1001 Things NOT To Do Before You Die

368. Blame a Remote Motorcycle Bomb on the US

2010-01-12T11:55:00.003-05:00

A prominent Iranian Physics professor was assassinated in Tehran by a "remote-controlled bomb attached to a motorcycle." A Foreign Ministry spokesman said "in the initial investigation, signs of the triangle of wickedness by the Zionist regime [Israel], America [America] and their hired agents [Blackwater?] are visible in the terrorist act."

Whoa. Ease up there, Persian Tiger.

1. He was a theoretical physicist, studying particle dynamics and stuff like that. He wasn't involved in their nuclear program, therefore we didn't really have a reason to blow him up.

2. That's cute. You think we'd use a "remote-controlled bomb attached to a motorcycle." That's so quaint. Ahem. I don't know if I can make this clearer. Iranian Foreign Ministry, State Media, all y'alls:

DO YOU SEE WHAT KIND OF SHIT WE USE TO KILL PEOPLE?

Notwithstanding the Reaper and Predator drones, we have so many other ways to relieve someone of the corporeal existence and it sure as hell won't be some TNT on a Kawasaki.

Pictured: F-22 Raptor (Right) and P-47 Thunderbolt (Left). Doesn't look very stealth, what with the propeller and yellow nacelle and all...

Like how about an F-22? Your radar wouldn't even see it. Fly over a house, level the block. Dead.

We wouldn't send these guys. I think they'd stick out. I mean, he's wearing Orange.

What about a Barrett .50 Calibre sniper rifle? Thing's got a range of like 4 miles.

Wow. This post just got bohring. Get it? Ha. I'm so lonely.

And finally: Polonium.

Oh wait. That's the Russians. My bad.

367. Visit the 124th Floor of the Burj Dubai

2010-01-04T16:32:00.005-05:00

The Burj Dubai's spectacular view.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen! At a reported height of 2,684 feet, the Burj Dubai, the world's tallest structure - not just building, but structure - is having it's gala opening, replete with sharpshooters, plainclothes security and fireworks. In that order. The Burj Dubai's complex will boast the tallest inhabitable floor on earth, the largest mall in the Middle East, a Giorgio Armani designed hotel and a grand total of over 160 floors. One of the highlights is the 124th floor observation deck. Just check out the view above.

Wait. What's that? That's NOT the Burj Dubai's view from a breathtaking 124 floors above the city? Then what do you see?

So what's that other view? Oh. An actual city? You don't say.

Oh. That. A bunch of middling high-rises, infinite swaths of desert interspersed with artificially irrigated oases and a perpetual haze of smog.

Well that sucks. That's just about the worst view on earth. Who the fuck cares if you're that high if you're looking at the skyline of Stamford, CT? With apartments selling for about $1,900 per square foot, you better get a kick ass view. Instead, you get this crappy bird's eye view of a glorified sandbox for the uber-wealthy in a city that is fast becoming a terror magnet and is now in the headlines for collapsing economies of scale? Doesn't sound worth it. Frankly, that sounds like the worst city on planet eart - oh crap. Ignore that last line. Cities that are natural targets for terror with unstable financial systems are the BEST!

366. Live Through 2009

2009-12-31T13:10:00.005-05:00

I will fist you, 2009!

"Two-Thousand and Nine was a steady stream of suck." - Me.

2009 blew. Let's do the year in review:

January: 01/01/09, approx. 2:30am - Girl I liked makes out with a spiky-haired midget in front of me. Also sucked to be John Travolta's son.

February: Sucked for people who had a friend that owned a chimpanzee.

March: Broke my leg. Sucked.

May: Can't remember so it must've sucked. Definitely sucked for Manny.

June: Sucked to die if you weren't MJ.

July: Um, assuming it sucked. What happened in July? It sucked to be Erin Andrews if by "sucked" you mean "raised the level of Erin Andrews awareness".

August: Sucked for kidnappers but good for Stockholm Syndrome.

September: Best friend got married. That was awesome but still predominantly sucked - especially for Ivy League Asians.

October: Sucked to be Richard Heene's son.

November: Ate some food so that was just OK. Yankees won and that was nice. But "The Blind Side" came out and that ruined the mood.

December: Worked a lot. That sucked.

So good-bye 2009. You can get hit by a bus.

Hello, 2010. By the way, what are we calling it?

Two-Thousand Ten?

Two-Thousand AND Ten?

Twenty Ten?

Two Oh One Oh?

Bill, or George, Anything but Sue?

365. Be Dan and/or Dave

2009-12-30T12:56:00.007-05:00

The Paynesville High School class of 1992 reunion photo. DAMN, Nikki Guptill - (middle row, second from left) - you aged well.*

Oh the halcyon days of 1992. America, victorious in the campaign to rid the world of the scourge of Saddam Hussein, had purged itself of all the demons of Vietnam. A new, young and hip President was beginning a decade-long run of unprecedented economic prosperity. A novel show named the "Real World" would re-write television history as young people spoke openly of political, religious and sexual orientations, showing the world that the youth of America are not shallow, materialistic and sexually amoral and can take their place upon the world stage. And Dan & Dave charmed us with their friendly competition at the Barcelona Summer Olympics.

Just kidding. Saddam Hussein stuck around long enough to make sure we added another Vietnamiraq atop the Afghanistaninam we were already in for the (inflation adjusted) price of seven Vietnams while Bill Clinton just presided over an unregulated shitshow engineered by Alan Greenspan creating first the internet bubble which crashed on his watch followed by the time-delay explosion of the hedge fund and mortgage securities debacle in the mid 2000's while the Real World spawned (pun intended) numerous rip-offs - including "Jersey Shore" and "MILF Island" - while the progenitor of the whole reality TV phenomenon degraded into a reasonable facsimile of Cinemax at about 1:35am on a Sunday and Dan O'Brien didn't even qualify for the Olympics while Dave Johnson only got a bronze medal in something lame like the decathalon. I mean for Christ's sake: Johnson couldn't even beat Antonio Penalver or Robert Zmelik. Fucking Zmelik was born is Prostejov of all places. Call me crazy but no way would I ever own up to being from the northern edge of the Hornomoravsky uval basin or the foothills of the Prostejovska pahorkatina uplands. What a homo.

*Dear Nikki Guptill - if you are Googling yourself and for some reason find this, give me a shout out. I'm clearly intelligent as my prose is immaculate and I'm definitely taller than Brad Fenske but maybe not as tall as Shawn Gilbertson. I'm better looking than Brad Fenske also. You know what? Screw you Brad Fenske. You were always so cool, in your striped polo shirts. Hell, you were the first guy to get a Jetta, you bastard. I had to drive that POS 240 DL my mom left me and you're all riding up in your Jetta, blasting "Jump Around". You suck, Brad Fenske.**

**And this, children is why you don't put the class of 1992 reunion photo from Paynesville High School on the internet and then label everyone's names because if I Google image search "1992" I'm gonna find this - on the very first page - and do something like this with it. All kidding aside: Nikki Guptill - hit me up. You're freaking hot.

364. Utilize a PETN-Based Explosive Device Without a Blasting Cap or Wire Detonator

2009-12-28T14:14:00.004-05:00

Not only did I fail my mission, I ended up with third-degree burns, I did not get my virgins, and worst of all - I'm stuck in Detroit.

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, aka Abdulfarouk Umar Muttalab*:

You're an idiot on so many levels. The first - and probably most grievous - error is subscribing to a gospel of violent extremist Islam. You're a wealthy and entitled son of a prominent Nigerian financier and had an upbringing of privilege and were enrolled towards a prestigious education. If you played your cards right, you could have been a businessman or even a regional warlord, but no. You have to go ahead and get a bomb from Yemen and attempt to detonate it over US airspace.

Secondly, you sat through a 12 hour flight before unsuccessfully trying to bring down the fully loaded Northwest Airlines (as operated by Delta) flight. That means you were probably subjected to at least 2 showings of "Marley and Me". My God, man. That's worse than death itself. You could have blown up the plane in mid-Atlantic flight, sparing everyone on board several viewings of whatever half-assed Sandra Bullock romantic comedy that was featured as the in-flight entertainment. That would have sucked to check into heaven, be greeted by St. Peter who says "I'm sorry you have joined us before your time, my son. Is there anything we can do here in heaven to make it up to you?" "Yeah, erase from my memory the fact that I was stuck on a plane for half a day and had to watch 3 Meg Ryan films." Bad taste, Umar.

Third. You actually left Amsterdam, for Detroit? Didn't they suffer enough? You basically boarded the world's most depressing flight in the first place yet you chose to exacerbate it by immolating yourself. Don't you think these people were already depressed, knowing full well that they were voluntarily going from the most fun city in the Western World to the only Third-World City in North America? Hell, the people who flew United Flight 184 from Sarajevo to Mexico City with stopovers in Beirut, circa 1983 and Vladivostok - with a 5 hour layover in Tampa - would be less resigned to their dismal fate than the occupants of that flight. They basically had no will to live anyway due to the fact that when they deplaned in Michigan, they could have said "I was in Amsterdam just a day ago. Where did my life go so horribly wrong that I am now consigned to be in De-fucking-troit?"

The pointy tip of our spear. (Not pictured: The handle of the spear, roughly 4,230 miles to the right).

Fourth. You just brought the smack-down upon Yemen. Seriously. We all know that there have been covert US actions in Yemen ever since the USS Cole bombing but - apologies to the servicemen and women injured and slain in that attack - the victims were US military personnel, aware of the inherent risk involved in their line of work. But by crossing the line into attempted US civilian murder you just opened a can of Raytheon and General Dynamics whoop-ass upon Yemen. You've heard of the Predator drone, right Umar? Well have you heard of the Reaper? Yeah. Not really a confidence inspiring name if you're on the receiving end, is it? That's because it's a bigger, badder, more heavily armed version of the Predator and my guess is there are currently several hundred circling well out of the capabilities of the human eye, just waiting to launch a fusillade of anti-"looks like militants to me" missiles all over Yemen. It must be seriously inconvenient fighting someone in Arizona from Yemen. Just look at how much Pakistan likes it.

Fifth. Everyone knows that while pentaerythritol tetranitrate, or PETN for short, is more susceptible to shock or friction detonation that standard TNT is still very difficult to ignite and needs an external source to properly detonate. Umar used some sort of liquid catalyst in a syringe to attempt his silly martyrdom. Professor Jimmie Oxley of University of Rhode Island, a chick (!) explosives expert who no doubt would be played by Megan Fox in the film adaptation offered this not-really-advice: Dr. Oxley said it was conceivalbe that the contents of the syringe were sufficient to set off the PENT. "I've been thinking about it," she said. "I know what I would do now, but I'm not going to tell you." Chick is hard as nails. Thus, Umar, your lack of chemistry professorship coupled with the exclusion of a blasting cap or explosive detonation cord basically doomed yourself to third degree burns. And apparently the proclivity to confess everything immediately afterwards will doom your colleagues in terror to some high-tech ass-kicking (see the fourth point).

To sum it up in words you might understand, Abdulumar Farouckutallabadterrorist, you had several choices afforded you but picked the worst. Not only that, once you picked the worst choice, you executed it miserably. When confronted with the choice of "solo martyrdom for a misinformed cause" or "posse-havin', bitch crushin', money-burnin' Nigerian warlord," I would have picked the latter.

*I'm convinced that devout Muslim names are sorta like Madlibs with derivations of Muhammed or Abdul instead of "noun" or "adverb". "Excuse me sir, are you Umar Farouk Abdulmuttalab?" "Oh, no. I'm Abdulfarouk Umar Muttalab." "My mistake. Say hi to your mother for me."

363. Stay for the End Credits of "Avatar"

2009-12-22T10:24:00.003-05:00

James Cameron: An Autobiography. Chapter XII - I'm FUCKING RICH AGAIN, ASSES.

Is "Avatar", James Cameron's new epic, a "game-changer" and as revolutionary as the critics say? In a word: yes. The dialogue is predictably cheesy - this is of course from the man who wrote "What's the dog's name?" "Max." "Hey Janelle, what's wrong with Wolfie? I can hear him barking. Is he OK?" "He's fine dear. Wolfie's just fine. Where are you?" "Your foster parents are dead" - and the criticism you've read that it's just "Dances With Wolves" in space is pretty much spot-on; but this movie kicks some serious ass. The 3D glasses and shock factor of depth perception take roughly :30 seconds to get over and then the effects, no matter how in your face with explosion or how soft-focused during discussions become seamless and fully integrated into the film. Cameron lovingly lingers upon the flora, fauna and geography of his intricately created world, Pandora with the care of a seasoned documentary filmmaker and it doesn't seem to drag on. The latent new-age "parable-for-earth-we-are-all-interconnected-maybe-the-natives-of-every-culture-had-it-right"* is a tad heavy-handed at points and the love story - like his previous "Fuck You, I'm Rich" movie, "Titanic"** - is both wholly predictable and formulaic but it really doesn't matter. The lush vistas of Pandora, the attention to detail for creating a whole new ecosystem with it's own animal and plant morphology and the overall premise of corporate greed and the potential for unsupervised private security forces to go awry (Cough - Blackwater, ahem) mesh together the push-and-pull of harmony and discord that are the hallmarks of all great movies.

I must reinforce one thing about this movie though:

JUST DON'T STAY FOR THE END CREDITS!

Fuck you, James Horner! Fuck you and the "Near, Far, Where Ever You Are" horse you rode in on.

Seriously. The end of the film is capped with "I See You," performed by Leona "Keep Breathing" Lewis. The song fucking blows. With this schmaltzy load of horse dung, Cameron and his composer de rigeur, James Horner are trying desperately to do to Leona Lewis what they did for Celine Dion - which is to make her universally reviled due to this craptastic musical odyssey through fake ethnomusicology. I wanted ear-bleach to rinse the sound from my head but what has been heard cannot be unheard. James Cameron basically tacked this treacle on to the end of the film with the same care that George Lucas replaced the Ewok's FUCKING AWESOME "Yub Yub" song at the end of "Return of the Jedi" with that new-age orchestral/choral makes-Pachabel's-Canon-in-D-sound-like-it's-a-good-song piece of feces and requisite "ooohhh, I get it, you have computers now" montages of Coruscant and Naboo and all his other gay planets celebrating the midgets in furrie costumes overthrowing the Empire montage.

LAME: Star Wars, Episode VI: Featuring Homo-tastic Music by Rusted Root

FREAKING AWESOME: Ewoks Singing Their Own Music, Unadulterated by the White Man

And speaking of George Lucas. Hey George. You might want to pull your pants down, because James Cameron just made you his bitch. All of the bad tastes of Jar-Jar Binks, the Uncle Ben/Aunt Jemima of Naboo and Watto, the Flying Jew and the clearly Chinese Trade Federation characters of Episodes Gay through Fag are immediately washed away by the brilliantly rendered NOT RACIST Na'vi natives, their habitat and their language as portrayed in Cameron's "Avatar".

So in the end, what's the take on "Avatar?"

1. See it in 3D.

2. The second the title card "Avatar" comes on screen at the end of the film, RUN FOR THE FUCKING EXIT.

3. George Lucas is a giant douchetard.

4. Peter Jackson - you're still cool. Gollum was pretty awesome.

*Just for fun and games, people are always railing that the native lifestyle of whichever continent was colonized was more in touch with the land, but what about the native culture of Western Europe? You know? The one that made roads and aqueducts and created the three field system and mobile artillery and steel plate armor and Messerschmidt Bf-109s? Why doesn't anyone ever say anything about that native culture? Like a Hutu comes to Paris and says "wow. The natives of this place really know how to live off the land. I mean, they took rocks out of the ground, processed them and built the EIFFEL FUCKING TOWER. Now that's living off the land. Fuck this spear and llama-eating shit. I wants me a Citroen." Then when he gets the Citroen he realizes maybe it's not all it's cracked up to be. If only he chose Munich. Then he would have gotten a much better car.

**"Titanic" was a pretty decent movie except for one thing that will always, always irk me. When they're on the research vessel, they're always talking about "There she is [dramatic pause / music swells].... Titanic." Really? Is it that hard to throw a fucking "The" before "Titanic?"

362. Be Radio Host; Be Completely Uneducated

2009-12-21T16:57:00.002-05:00

Radio host Kevin James is a bona fide moran. Since he is a conservative radio host, I'm going to go out on a not very far-fetched limb and also say that like most of his Family First, America First, Down With the Homos, Don't Kill Babies brethren that he is indeed a closeted homo-sexual and this will come out eventually due to a dalliance with an intern, Republican Congressman or Tom Cruise.

Kevin James is gay and that is OK, buddy. There's no problem being gay. There's just a problem having zero education and espousing hatred. Now that's a problem.

Say it with me, idiot: Sudetenland. Say it again. Sudetenland. That's all you had to say and then you would have looked marginally less ignorant. Still would have been painting with the broadest brush strokes possible, but that sole name drop would have alleviated a great deal of sorrow. A great deal of repressed, man-loving, latent boy-desiring sorrow.

Kevin James is gay. Join the good guys, Kevin James. I've got a couple great friends to hook you up with. Watch the video again. Is that a left earring?

361. Drink the Tap Water of L.A., Chicago, Houston, Miami, Boston, Washington, D.C., Baltimore or Philadelphia

2009-12-17T12:00:00.004-05:00

Mmmmm. Tasty.

Let's do the run down:

The nation's second largest municipal water system the City of Los Angeles, Dept. of Water & Power, provides water to 3,828,700 people. Within that water are 30 contaminants, five of which are above health limits and one that is above legal limits. Just for future reference, why are the LEGAL thresholds higher than the HEALTH thresholds? Shouldn't it be in the reverse?

"But that stifles competition," scream the free-marketists. It also probably stifles infant development.

I digress. Basically, the New York City-Catskill/Delaware water system is the nation's largest, serving 6,552,718 people and contains 12 contaminants only one of which is above the recommended health level. Now them's good gamblin' odds. Meanwhile, the Miami-Dade Water and Sewer Authority serves 2,100,000 people has 22 contaminants and the two over the health guidelines - but still within legal limits - are Radium Isotopes. #226 and #228 to be exact. Radium 226 is a by-product of the decay of Uranium and Radium 228 is the decay yield of Thorium. Now that's OK, because Thorium's just slightly radioactive.

Just so we're clear: Radium killed Marie Curie. Uranium is used in nuclear plants and bombs. Thorium has been used in weapons and reactors. If you worked in a watch factory in WWII and had to paint the luminescent dots upon military timepieces, you probably developed cancer, because the paint used radium to make the dials glow.

And this stuff is floating around in the Miami water supply. No wonder everyone's so flamboyant there. They truly are glowing.

Then there's Houston. Come on, now. Like you really expected the water of that festering swamp to be healthy? The City of Houston Public Works Dept. water system serves 2,700,000 people and is the United States' fourth largest. It tested positive for a whopping 45 contaminants. Six of those - Both Radiums, Trichloroacetic acid, Lead, Arsenic and Combined Uranium (?!?) were above health limits and three were above legal limits. Those three were:

1. Alpha particle activity: Sounds like a weapon from Starship Troopers. Instead, it's much more benign than that. Alpha particles are just "a form of radiation released from mining waste pollutants and natural sources." Oh sweet. That's cool that that's in my drinking water and above legal limit, to boot. No problem.

2. Total haloacetic acids: Sounds bad but it's not that bad. It's just the sum of all the disinfectant acids - which are predominantly harmless - and their concentrations. This can be easily remedied.

3. Gross beta particle activity (pCi/L): Great. You're basically drinking either nuclear fallout or the run-off from mining radioactive materials. Sounds tasty, Houston. Granted only one of the sixteen tests was over legal limit, but that's one too many for me. That's why I don't live in Houston and raise a flipper baby colony.

Here's a little vignette from LA. The caption below this photo read: "This Los Angeles reservoir contained chemicals that sunlight converted to compounds associated with cancer. The city used plastic balls to block the sun, but nearby homeowners asked why, if the water didn't violate the law."

Wow. I got a couple questions. 1. Sunlight + Chemicals = Cancer? That's terrifying. 2. How ingenious are the LA water engineers? That's seriously some out of the box, push the envelope, move the needle, synergistic thinking. All joking aside. That's like something the British would have come up with in World War II like the dam buster bomb or the Mulberries. 3. Homeowners asked why, if the water didn't violate the law? "Why are you marring the view of our reservoir with those plastic balls if the water's not illegal -yet?" "Uh, because sunlight turns some of the chemicals found within this water into a carcinogen." "But you said 'turns', not 'turned,' right?" "Correct, we're just trying to..." "Ew, whatever. They're ugly. Make them go away." Fucking LA - taking aesthetics over health, any day. Shallow sons of bitches.

Finally, San Francisco only had eight contaminants and not a single one over either the health or legal limit, so kudos to you, the mistake by the mmm'bay. But SF's water system on serves 2.5 million, so that's really not all that much of an accomplishment. They basically have to refill a giant Brita pitcher every 3 or 4 days. Basically what I'm saying is, per capita, NYC water is freaking awesome when compared to the drinking supply of the rest of you rinky-dink backwater towns.

360. Invent/Design This

2009-12-15T15:20:00.005-05:00

IT BURNS MY EYES

Oh.

Dear.

God.

Listen. I know people get off on weird stuff. Like really weird stuff. Basically say "Geographic Name" and then "Incongruous Action" and it's someone's idea of a good way to pass a Saturday night with a consenting male/female/houseplant. The "Calcutta Dropkick" is my personal favorite. I also know a guy who hooked up with this girl who gave him an unsolicited "Lancashire Stenographer". It involves... well you can use your imagination if you know what I mean.

In any case, there's crossing the line then there's crossing the line into the realm of war crimes. Utilizing the above mask is akin to handing over the keys of Buchenwald to the Khmer Rouge who subsequently appoints Stalin as exclusive caterer. He must REALLY like Dobermans.

Not. Cool.

359. Be Taylor Lautner

2009-12-15T11:36:00.006-05:00

Mr. Taylor Lautner is on top of the world. He's jacked. He's a talented martial artist (watch the above). He's dating probably the hottest* pop musician (oh don't you dare call that country) in the country right now. He's in one of the top grossing films of the year. He seems to be bordering on midget.

Won "Most Jacked Little Person" in his High School Yearbook.

Wow. Like that is either 1. really short or 2. Bill Hader was last seen of the coast of Tokyo, emerging from the ocean. And since several sources list Hader as 6'1" - my height - that means that Taylor Lautner is shorter than pretty much every girl I've ever met in my life.

So all you swoontastic Twilight Team Jeremy - that's his name in the movie, right? I know it's not - oh - shit - it's right there in the photo. Team Jacob. Yeah. Anyway. So all you Team Jacob chicks, unless you are a misshapen dwarf - and you probably are if you're swallowing this tripe - Jacob/Taylor will be shorter than you. Which might not be that bad for you. Since you'll never have the opportunity to procreate, you can instead harness your misplaced maternal instincts on babying upon your bosom little Taylor Lautner instead of nurturing your seventy-three cats and one guinea pig. His name's Mr. Wiggles!

* I mean "hottest" as most popular. Jury's still out on if she is actually hot.

358. Shoot John Lennon

2009-12-08T15:42:00.003-05:00

Yeah, really John? Is that really happiness?

Dear Mark David Chapman: You are the worst fan ever. Everyone knows you're supposed to break into your stalkee's house and fondle their undergarments. Not shoot them. Unless they're a Latina singing sensation. In which case shooting is the only way to show fan adoration. And The Catcher in the Rye sucked. No wonder he went reclusive: his only novel ever was a bunch of trash and inspired Mark David Chapman to, what's the words? Oh yeah - FUCKING ASSASSINATE JOHN LENNON. This problem could've been solved in so many different ways:

1. "Fucking assassinate John Lennon" but replace the "nnon" with "gend". Yes, I'm aware he was like 4 but whatever.

2. Masturbate while thinking of Yoko. That's a motivation stopper.

3. Actually, that's all I got. Kill John Legend instead or beat it.

Now, the alternate universe people out there (by the way, neither the Axis nor the Confederacy could have ever won) might say that MDC just prevented the slow decline of artistry that plagues most pop musicians. I decry that notion and instead postulate that while the popularity of pop/rock musicians decline with age, ofttimes their creativity is increased through the wisdom of age. Case in point: David Byrne and Brian Eno's "Everything That Happens Will Happen Today". Counterpoint: Anything the Rolling Stones have done after "Tattoo You".

Whatever. Don't shoot celebrities that don't need to get shot. We know who needs to get shot: Lindsay Lohan, Celine Dion, DJ AM, Billy Mays, Gary Carter, Luther Vandross, the Jerry Maguire kid, Elmo, Celine Dion, George Lucas, anyone who is a "Real Housewife", the Ceiling Fan. You know. Those celebrities.

Remember the Eighth of December!

357. Incorporate "NYC" into your Email Address

2009-12-07T11:41:00.003-05:00

Don't really have a photo for this, so here's Taylor Swift. Still can't tell if she's hot or not. Looks sorta Asian. Like Tim McGraw.

Dear cutesynameNYC@domain.com,

We get it. You moved here from Wisconsin or Texas or Paris or Taos, New Mexico and you just can't wait to tell your friends back at the farm or ranch or Left Bank cafe or commune that you've really made it. You live in New York now and everyone must know that you are now truly a citizen of the world. But what happens if and/or when you can't cut it and have to move back? Your "...nyc" appellation suddenly morphs into an albatross around your neck and since albatross (albatrosses? albatrii?) weigh about 8 kg (that's roughly 275 Coleridges), that is quite a weighty burden to return home with and your proverbial tail between your metaphorical legs. Well, the tail is metaphorical, actually. The legs I should hope - pending a lengthy stay at Walter Reade - are real.

That was uncalled for.

I SUPPORT OUR TROOP.

Because troop is plural. Troops means multiple of a troop. Word lost all meaning. Troop. Troop. You know what the best word for that is? Gravel. Say it. Gravel Gravel Gravel. Means nothing now, right? Gravel.

356. Deny That You Are an Anglophile

2009-12-01T12:12:00.010-05:00

Just subtract the red X from this flag and we have a deal. You can keep Scotland and Wales.

There comes a time in a man's life when he must ask himself, "am I living a lie?"

I just came to that realization and hereby offer this admission, as painful as it may be:

I am an Anglophile.

There. I said it. After decades of denial and a big show of anti-English sentiment - mostly centered around their casual lumping of rival ethnic groups into post-colonial nation-states with completely nonsensical borders (Iraq, Yugoslavia, India/Pakistan/Bangladesh, most of Africa - I'm looking in your direction) - I have come to the reconciliation that despite an ostensibly and far-removed Irish heritage, I indeed enjoy British culture and products. So here's the first and last annual "Why I'm an Anglophile" List:

Not pictured: Clarkson's out-sized ego. (It's parked next to the 747 at the end of the runway).

1. Some of my favorite shows of all time are British: Monty Python's Flying Circus, Spaced and almost above all, Top Gear. The trio of Hammond, May and chest thumping "Rule Britannia" Clarkson are entertaining, hysterical and offer fantastic editorial - for it is not sheerly journalistic - analysis of actual cars all the while enjoying themselves and embarking on absurdist journeys around the world in search of automotive pleasure. It's every young motorhead's dream: race a 200 mph supercar against a light plane. Beat a bullet train across Japan. Drop pianos on cars that you just despise. Yes I know that half of the explosions are rigged, but we're all in on the joke unlike Dateline NBC and the saddlebag gas tanks of GM pickups. There are no pretenses towards serious journalistic integrity and therefore no holds barred. If Richard Hammond loves Porsche 911's, he's going to tell you repeatedly. If Jeremy Clarkson thinks Americans are fat and uneducated, that's his opinion. (Clarkson - I've yet to see a Top Gear in NYC. Perhaps a hybrid taxi challenge is in order. Also, the Apache gunship, despite the fact that it was piloted by a Briton, is a 100% American machine. I'd like to see you pit your Lotus Exige against an English gunship. Oh, that's right. You never made one). Unabashedly juvenile, Top Gear is a treasure and thanks to BBC America and the Internet, you can see it frequently and - online - unedited. Life Dream #241: To be a star in a reasonably priced car because guess what, Jeremy? I can drive on your side of the road and car. Which brings me to:

I'll show you "The Knowledge"... Drive this in Manhattan, pussies.

2. I drove a RHD 1978 Austin FX4 Taxi. In Manhattan. With a manual transmission. For about a year: You heard me. I drove a London Black Cab - albeit with a different paint scheme - in New York City for the better part of a year. I would pull up alongside "fellow" cabbies at a red light, arm hanging out the right side window, have them look over, nod, then double-take realizing that the driver of the car next to them is mere inches away. Ordinarily a conversation like this would ensue:

"Buddy, you sitting on wrong side of the car."

"No, you're sitting on the wrong side of the car."

"Buddy! I want your job! How you get that?"

"Oh, it's a marketing thing."

"Wait a second. Is car stick?"

"Yeah, it's stick."
"Oh no, buddy. I don't want that job no more."

Let me wax poetic on the virtues of the London Taxi. Firstly, due to England's archaic common law precedent, sometimes laws just aren't ever updated. Ever. Let's take for instance the Conditions of Fitness, which although updated several times since the 1600s, has maintained that a taxi must have a turning radius of 28 feet within a 180 degree turn. While most of the other legends about the Conditions of Fitness are untrue, this one yields a truly maneuverable machine and one of the most enjoyable cars I've ever driven. Slaloming through 6th Avenue traffic in a car 1/3 the width of a Crown Victoria with five times the handling skills, furiously rowing through the 5 gears mated to a 4 cylinder diesel is complete bliss. Not to mention the joy of throwing five people comfortably in the back and having them say "we're from out of town, let's just drive around" and not having to fill up again through the rest of the week. In all, a superb automobile, well suited to the urban environment. Adding to my Anglophile tendencies is:

Mini Cooper S: Quadrophenia Edition

3. My Dream Garage. Yes, the Austin FX4 Taxi definitely makes the cut but my dream stable of autos include some attainable and others not so much. Were I to fall into a tidy sum of money right now, I would immediately purchase a mid-1990s Mini Cooper S, RHD, full length sunroof, 2 driving lamps with an upgraded engine - perhaps a V-TEC Honda power plant. Color undetermined. I vacillate too wildly from red with white racing stripes to British racing green with white racing stripes. I would adopt this as my daily driver because it would be the culmination of 40 years of impeccable Mini engineering experience while having a modern cockpit. The two weekend cars would be a sports car for the road and a truck for more rugged forays into the wilderness.

I don't care if you all have Lucas Electrics...

I love you anyway. (Also - dear nitpickers: aware it's a Series IIA).

Thus a Jaguar XK120 and a Land Rover Series II LWB with a diesel engine. While the former embodies unadulterated sex appeal and the unmistakable hum of an in line-six - the finest motor layout of all time (just ask BMW) - the latter sits upon a frame of a ladder. Which, barring rust, the ever prevalent and unyielding Land Rover chassis rust, turns this vehicle almost unstoppable. What's more about the Rover, with the Safari roof and windscreen vents coupled with sliding windows all around, who really needs A/C? The thought of loading up an underpowered antiquated leaf-sprung truck with up to 8 friends (because I wouldn't allow the 9th to sit atop the shifter) and hauling off at a very dignified (read: lethargic) pace to a cabin, roof rack stacked with both practical and frivolous accoutrement, sounds immensely enjoyable to this former nature boy. No rush, no worries. When I was growing up, my father's penchant for vintage pick-ups created a "we'll get there when we get there" attitude which, while frustrating as a teenager, is quite nice as an adult. And "I'll get there when I get there if..."

My actual (metrosexual) bike.

4. I Ride a 3 Speed Bicycle with a Sturmey-Archer Hub. Granted, I'm pretty sure the hub is a generic model and not truly manufactured by Sturmey-Archer, but that's not the point. The point is, riding a derailleur-less bike, pausing between shifts, seated upright and lazily pedaling around town embodies the spirit of a long gone era. While Chinese delivery guys with their new-found electric bikes and hipster douches with their fixies fly by me, I'm in no hurry. I'll get there when I get there. And in true English mechanicals style, frequent stops ensue to tighten or loosen the tension operated drive train cable. Whatever. I'm in no hurry and I can haul it if I need to. Sure the leisurely pace of a bicycle built for English towns might not seem appropriate for the streets of New York, but add a couple LED blinkers and a bell, and it works just fine.

Ch-ch-check my first folio, bitches!

5. My Book Selections. My last books? To Rule the Waves: How the British Navy Shaped the Modern World; Nelson: Love & Fame - a biography of guess; Churchill: A Life - another biography of guess. What the hell? Why am I so fascinated by long-dead Brits? Robert Graves' Good-Bye to All That is one of my favorite wartime narratives. I read Shakespeare - FOR FUN. Even I get a little jingoistic reading the St. Crispin's Day speech in Henry V. So I read a lot of books about famous Britons. Frequently. I guess however I do balance it with a hefty dosage of WWII US GI books like Band of Brothers and every third book I read is usually about baseball, but still. Seriously - all English biographies? On the bright side, despite my proclivity towards reading narratives of people who hated the Irish, I will never affect an English spelling pattern. It's "tire" and "color" - not "tyre" and "colour". I do get confused with "grey" vs. "gray". Not sure which one's American but leaning towards "gray". Also it's pronounced "Al-OO-mih-num" not "Al-oo-MIN-ee-um". Yes - I'm aware the spelling of "aluminum" includes an "i" but if you're such sticklers, then why isn't it pronounced "shire" and not "sheer" - hypocrites.

You're killing us here, Robin.

6. I Support the English Premiership. And I watch it. Neither religiously nor casually, I am am ostensibly a supporter of the Arsenal Football Club. I watch about a match every two weeks, schedule pending and always check the scores and the game synopsis to ensure that my Gunners are doing their half-assed, merely adequate but never dominant best. Rest assured, those who haven't been following the season - they are. Perfectly where they always gravitate towards. 4th Place.

No shit the image(s) aren't available. I'd like to live to see 40 years old.

7. Blackburn. Trotter. Gibson. Is it even possible to have more WASPy named exes? Jesus Christ. Granted, two of them were Americans of English-descent - which really means nothing but you gotta admit the last names are pretty Brit-tastic. But the clincher was one of them went to a school called Wycombe Abbey in High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire, England. Yes, it's got a "y", "b" and an "e" at the end and it's pronounced "Wickam". And "Buckinghamshire" only has four syllables. Can't get more British than that. Unless you count:

Exception to the rule.

8. My Music Selection. I really enjoy the Decemberists, Gram Parsons, The Band and Conor Oberst and in the Pantheon of musicians, Beethoven and Bob Dylan reign supreme but for most of my casual listening, I gravitate towards both truly British groups and those who took American music and synthesized it better than any American could ever accomplish. Radiohead, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin. These bands either forged their own way with a distinct sound as yet un-replicated or took the best of American soul, blues and country, plugged it in, turned it up and made it rock, yelp, scream and wail better than the originator nation. One of the best country/western songs of all time is "Far Away Eyes." The multiple layers of sound of "Tomorrow Never Knows" or "Paranoid Android" yield new insights with each listening. So yeah, the British pretty much nailed rock music too.

So there you have it. After years of waiting, nothing came. I admit when I'm wrong (sometimes) and I come to you, hat in hand, admitting that I am an Anglophile. I guess I can't run from it any longer. So I beg of you forgiveness and offer that I can still deride this nation of shopkeepers for their complete abandonment of the colonial mess they created - the US included (for answers to why we should blame them for our entitled and selfish society, please read Our First Revolution about the Glorious Revolution of 1688, William and Mary and the instilling of English rights of man into colonial American society and our subsequent rebellion when those rights were mitigated under George III) - I cannot hide from the fact that so much of my loves are intertwined with this tiny island nation.

Exception to the rule, Pt. II.

That said, many of my friends are Irish because as we all know, the English can't pour a pint of Guinness for shite. Just don't tell them I wrote this. I'd like to continue getting served at several pubs.

355. See "The Blind Side"

2009-11-30T10:11:00.006-05:00

Based on a saccharine true story.

Like most Americans, I went to the cinema over the holiday weekend. I don't need to tell you what I saw and since this is "Things Not to Do" I'll instead tell you what not to see.

"The Blind Side".

I haven't seen it but I know 100% that it goes something like this:

Establishing shots of upper middle class white woman (Sandra Bullock) driving around, ordering espresso, dropping her son off at a predominantly white school, arguing with another white lawyer about something trivial that she has placed an inordinate amount of importance upon but will later be revealed to be trivial, generally doing white upper middle class woman things, etc. Establishing shots of big black kid getting beat up, sleeping under a bridge, dodging the drug dealers in an alley, generally doing impoverished black things, etc.

White woman and big black kid (WM and BBK, henceforth) somehow have a run-in. Maybe she accidentally hits him - but not seriously - with her Range Rover or maybe it's a case of mistaken identity since BBK is homeless/abused/unwanted/black. Maybe WM calls the cops on BBK as a suspected robber/drug dealer/black person and upon questioning by the police it is revealed to WM that BBK is homeless/abused/unwanted/black. Taking pity, she says BBK can stay for "just one night". He says something poignant and depressing that WM tries to comfort him about but he reveals that the truth of the matter is far, far worse. WM has an argument with her straight-laced also white husband who says "I don't know if this is a good idea, WM". She remains adamant because she's never taken a stand on anything in her life before but will take a stand on this for some reason. The next morning, WM pulls strings to have BBK attend school with her anemic snowflake of a son. Turns out that snowflake is bullied upon in school for being too short/nerdy/smart/rich. At some point in time, BBK saves snowflake from bullies.

Meanwhile, the social mill of WM's upper middle class world churns away, spreading rumors and disapproving looks from WM's equally white upper middle class peers. One close - but clearly inherently racist - friend/colleague/relative of WM makes a racist statement and WM first shuns them then is in return shunned herself as a pariah and she enters a shame spiral. At this point, BBK is also on the downfall, perhaps failing at school despite his natural proclivity towards being B, B and a K and thus better at football than all of snowflake's classmates.

Are you sure you know what you're doing, honey?

Eventually there's a big game. Someone wins or loses depending on what sort of morality play they want to convey. If it's a loss then it's " BBK, you gave it your best and became a real person and taught me, WM, a valuable lesson about life and love and tolerance". If it's a win then it's "BBK, you overcame adversity and taught me, WM, a valuable lesson about life and love and tolerance." Despite the loss or because of the win, BBK is signed to something incredible related to football by someone who's been watching from afar. Celebrations ensue and the wacky bi-racial pseudo family unit finally bonds in complete unity. Freeze frame. Fade to black. Text now scrolls saying that WM started a non-profit foundation for inner city youths. Next text says that BBK played unsuccessfully for like 2 seasons with a second rate NFL team like the Lions or something. Then text does not roll that says something along the lines of "you know what? That was sorta a crock of shit because ultimately the redemptive aspects of this story focused on Sandra Bullock's character and used the black kid as a foil for a transformative experience for yet another closed minded white person. Seriously, didn't she play the same character in Crash? And by the way, that movie REALLY sucked. I mean, I get it. People are inherently racist. News fucking flash."

BBK! You've opened my eyes to injustice! See, the sunglasses are a metaphor. A METAPHOR!

I don't know. Maybe at this point someone triumphs over/dies of cancer.

354. Unique Baby Names

2009-11-23T15:26:00.000-05:00

This has got to stop.
Unique baby names are hurting America.

Let's review:

1. Jermajesty Jackson - Oh. My. God... Jermajesty?? Really? As if he doesn't already have enough problems being the son of Jermaine Jackson. You've just guaranteed that he'll never get into college. Oh wait, you're a Jackson, what's college?

2. Kyd Duchovny/Leoni - You named your kid "Kyd". Can't you just *feel the love in that household - hang on, isn't your dad a sex addict? Yeeeaah...

3. Audio Science (actress Shannyn Sossamon) - come again? You named your child after a working title to a new Radiohead album.

4. Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee) - Seriously, Earl? Your season premiere episode should be apologizing and making amends with your kid and prepaying for years of therapy that are sure to follow. Nice mustache, douche--

5. Moxie CrimeFighter (Magician Penn Jillette) - not gonna lie, if your 5 years old and your name is "CrimeFighter", you are THE MAN. If you're six years old or older, you are RETARDED. Girls, can you imagine dating someone named "CrimeFighter"?? "Mom, Dad-- this is my boyfriend [CrimeFighter]... he's unemployed."

6. Sparrow James Midnight Madden - permission to come aboard, Sir! Alllrighty then!

7. Apple Blythe Paltrow - Free trade! (We also would have accepted, "The Apple DOES fall far from the tree.")

8. Moon Unit Zappa - "This is ground control to what the f-ck..."

9. Pirate (Korn frontman Jonathan Davis and porn-star wife Deven). Dude, Alien Vs. Predator called and they want their mic stand back.

10. Blue Angel (U2's The Edge) - not really surprising from a guy called "the Edge"; and the Navy Blue Angel's are pretty awesome, soo... no wait, you're an idiot. Nice hat.

11. Cash Monet (overheard in my office) - So you wanna be a rap superstar, and live large, a big house, 5 cars... or, probably you're gay.

12. Adolph Hitler Campbell. Oh yeah! Holland Township, New Jersey. Yup. And please allow us to introduce his two younger sisters, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell (OMG) and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell. Makes Halloween easy, I suppose. I wonder if the parents were surprised when NJ State Family Services removed the children from their home earlier this year.

13. Keelee Breeze (Vanilla Ice) - Wait, I know this one: It's two parts Vodka, 1 part Triple Sec, 1 part Tequila, cranberry, orange & pineapple, shaken over ice.

14. Justice (John Cougar Mellencamp) - And now ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome the lovely Justice to the main stage!

15. Ya'Majesty (T.I.) - giving the Jackson's a run for their money! Hell yes! Eat sh#t Jermaine!

16. Denim (Toni Braxton) - idiot.

17. Satchel (Spike Lee) - double idiot.

18. Calico (Alice Cooper) - #$&%! Does this guy know how to party or what??

19. Tu Morrow (Rob Morrow from the TV show Numb3rs) - WHY

20. Poppy Honey (Jamie Oliver "the naked chef") -

353. Be on National Television Voluntarily; Talk Completely Out of Your Ass

2009-11-19T18:43:00.006-05:00

What part of the mitten are you from? The misinformed or the illiterate part?

Wow. Them Republicuns shure must like that them thar Constitushun we got har in Amerca. Why? Because if this were Contra and Republicans were Lance, citing the upholding of the Constitution would be up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-B-A start.

Seriously, ill informed book-signing waiting people. Read. Learn. Follow the news. Hell, even Wikipedia can spell out that the Constitution is ONLY ABOUT FEDERAL GOVERNMENT VIS-A-VIS PERSONAL AND STATES' RIGHTS. If you wanted to get technical, a statement like: "I believe the last century's increased federalization is bordering on an infringement of the Tenth Amendment and removing many rights that should be due to the states and as clarified in the Eleventh Amendment has been - despite Federal solidification through precedent like Gibbons v. Ogden as well as the Supreme Court's upholding of the Sixteenth Amendment through Brushaber v. Union Pacific and Stanton v. Baltic Mining Co. - detrimental to our National Identity and our entrepreneurial and freedom loving nature" would greatly add credence to your argument and make you appear moderately less mouth-breathery. But you didn't do that, did you? You hid behind the chimera of your BS interpretation of our legal document which you probably wouldn't even know if the National Archive killed your hound dog.

OK. Even though this is incoherent, rambling and functionally retarded, here is a nationally televised approval - I think - of the bailout plan.

Now even if what I said there is complete and utter bullshit (is it?), you still could have shut down the MSNBC correspondent who was obviously prepared to offer contradictory remarks by Sarah Palin - which face it, is as predictable as the fat kid being the first one caught by the monster - but in no way prepared to cite varying levels of obscure Supreme Court rulings not to mention the gist of three Constitutional ammendments.

My favorite Palin speech, ever.

Note: I did not hotlink any of the above references, so if you want to prove me wrong, you're on your own there, Red States. Not like the Red States even have the internet to read this. Now I'm sort of at a loss: is my persona inherently liberal or conservative? Oh - wait. Since I dictate my opinion as fact, I guess that means I'm fascist. And I think we can all live with that.

Except short people. They're on the list.

352. Buy Expensive Status Symbols for Infants

2009-11-09T17:33:00.006-05:00

Rip and/or Finger-Off. Alt. Caption: The 2010 Robespierre

There are many reasons status purchases for children who can't even talk is all kinds of inane. Here is rule number one on why you never buy anything expensive for infants who will promptly out grow the consumer product:

IT WILL CHOP THEIR FINGERS OFF.

My McLaren of choice.

Maclaren, the company that makes absurdly overpriced strollers, is recalling every single stroller made since 1999 because um, the hinge is sharp enough to cut little Apple or Moses' digits in twain.

Baby must NOT be in a backpack for both supervisory and hair product reasons.

Now I was fortunate enough to survive infancy with all my plump little fingers because my parents put me in one of those backpack things. Not the one that nervous overparenting parents of this era use in which the child is secured to their chest so they may imprint their paranoia upon them via constant supervision, but a true baby backpack where no doubt my head was constantly bumped into by low hanging tree limbs or the rear door of a camper shell atop a 1967 Chevrolet Pickup. Not to be specific or anything.

351. Be a Commercial Director; Cast Scruffy Ill-Dressed Bearded Guy Opposite Pristine Girlfriend

2009-11-03T17:11:00.010-05:00

Claire and David. Why? Why not? Does this look like a democracy to you?

This trend has its origins in the Mischa Barton/whoever that half-assed hack "musician" Cisco Adler guy was relationship.

This is not realistic.

In no way will any beautiful, immaculately dressed, made up and preppy fresh-faced cute young girl ever date a guy like the above advertisement unless he was A) Really Rich or B) Really Fucking Rich.

Who the she'd would date in real life.

Instead, Claire up there would be dating Charles, a banker for Credit Suisse who lives on the Upper West Side and makes frequent use of a ZipCar. David, the above scruffy guy - because scruffy artistic guys must go by the name "David" - never shortened to Dave, because that's for frat boys - would be in Bushwick working on yet another 7" single and dating a chubby girl with horn-rimmed glasses who knows that he's cheating on her but she was so sad at Sarah Lawrence that she'll take anything she can get.

Wow. I just painted a really depressing picture of that chubby girl from Sarah Lawrence. I feel bad for my own fictional creation. She should probably go on a diet or something and see a therapist. Oh yes, I know she's already on anti-depressants but maybe they should up the dosage. I think she'd be happier if she went on a nice long vacation and just completely forgot about David, because he's a douche. I mean, his art sucks and his band sounds like the Decemberists if they didn't know how to play their instruments. Or harmonize. Or write good songs.

And did you hear? Claire and Charles got married in Hilton Head last weekend? I know! Alexander was his best man and Eliza and Kimberly did the cutest sketch about their Tri-Delt days! Oh, and I totally hooked up with Claire's aunt. I know, dude. Cougar City! Fist pound it, motherfucker! Yo. You forgot to explode! Boom goes the dynamite.

That guy giving the narration there has a couple different personalities, right? I mean, is he a frat-boy? An artiste? The gay friend of the fat chick from Sarah Lawrence? I'm not quite sure.

350. Be Really Short With a Really Big Umbrella

2009-10-30T12:39:00.006-04:00

Guess which one of these people is a raving asshole.

What has the world come to? Umbrella etiquette in this modern era is terrifically dismal. Notwithstanding the asinine people who feel it is necessary to air-dry an impermeable synthetic membrane, there are many other ways to offend when wielding an umbrella. The chief criminal among this class of ruffian is the very short person who carries a really big umbrella. Hovering at about eye-level, the pointy spars - I'm assuming they're called spars - of the umbrella beckon ocular mischief almost as serious as playing football against the Florida Gators. Since I am tall - and good looking, and jacked, and dark and mysterious, and well dressed, and jacked, and rich, and well endowed (with money) and good looking and jacked - I have the luxury of raising my admittedly normal sized umbrella over the midgets' rain deflectors and in general be a courteous and polite pedestrian.

Next, why must they all insist on having an umbrella measured in meters in the first place? They're so little! They don't need all of that valuable umbrella real estate. (I know I am completely ignoring the fact that the surface area offered from above can vary considerably due to girth rather than height).

Furthermore, I make an effort to close the umbrella when walking under extended scaffolds or awnings. But something in the genetics of short people - Selfcenterinitis Napoleanis - renders them incapable of recognizing that they are plowing through more gifted genetic specimens with the potential to cause grievous harm to their vision thus decreasing their attractiveness and likelihood of procreation, therefore setting back the evolution of the human race.

Pictured: a similar experience to walking in the rain in Manhattan.

There. I said it. Short people are ruining the ever upward and ever improving nature of evolution itself.

Aberration of DNA.

Either that or - conspiratorially - they are just attempting to preserve their own tenuous niche in the eco-system by poking at taller and better looking people with their oversized JP Morgan Chase Golf Umbrellas thus ensuring less competition. I sincerely hope that this is the case so we may wage a full fledged war of extermination upon anyone under 5'4" (who is not a hot woman). Which means of course that Tila Tequila will be the first to go.

349. Slaughter an Animal to Bless Something in the 21st Century

2009-10-28T15:46:00.007-04:00

Francis Ford Coppola Presents: The 2010 World Cup Redux - "I demand a sacrifice for these games! And waffles. Lots and lots of waffles."*

According to Reuters, traditional South African leaders led by Zolani Mkiva and the group responsible for cultural activities centered around the upcoming 2010 World Cup are planning on sacrificing animals to give the stadiums and the event itself a traditional South African blessing.

You sure this isn't the 1010 World Cup?

Dear Mr. Mkiva,

Since you are utilizing an absurdly archaic form of animistic worship despite the fact that much of the world has moved on to either monotheistic or non-religious orientations, I propose resurrecting some other antiquated traditional African traditions up to, but not limited to:

Segregating black people.
Slavery.
Female circumcision.
Mass starvations.
Ethnic cleansing.
Rampant yet preventable disease.
Widespread corruption.
Cannibalism.
Fickle inter-tribal kidnappings.
Fickle inter-tribal rapes.
Blood diamonds.
Infanticide.
Idol worship.
Coca-Cola bottle related violence.

So, Mr. Mkiva - you can't have it both ways. Either give up on your absolutely ridiculous proposal to ritualistically slaughter an animal to bless the 2010 World Cup or go motherfucking full bore double-barreled psychotically pre-historic and embrace ALL of the above.

The choice is yours and since a good 40% of the above already exist in South Africa, a place that makes Rio look safe, then I say own it. Love it. Quoth a (predominantly) white and college educated rugby team: "We're gonna rape! Kill! Pillage and burn! We're gonna rape, kill pillage and burn! (And eat babies!)"

*Obviously I couldn't find video or images of the water buffalo execution. Probably for the best, because THAT SHIT WAS REAL!

348. Be Surprised by Larry Johnson's Comments

2009-10-27T14:23:00.004-04:00

DEFINITELY in the closet.

Oh shock of shocks! Stop the Presses! A professional football player used homophobic slurs? This is about as surprising as the whole Falcon Henne thing being a hoax. An NFL athlete, who has been arrested four times since 2003 on assault and weapons charges - mainly against women - has been accused of calling reporters "Faggots" and posted anti-gay slurs on his Twitter page? This is truly unprecedented. You're telling me that a pro-athlete who had, according to Wikipedia (which means someone is very very funny) is educated as: He earned a Bachelor of Arts in Integrative Arts from Penn State in 2002. And a Masters in women beating.

did not get the utmost out of his education?

Man - whoever got into his Wikipedia page is hysterical - It is believed that Johnson attempted to flee from police officers but was tackled after two yards . Since I don't expect them to last, I'm inserting the below screenshot.

347. Rick Roll Yourself

2009-10-23T16:42:00.006-04:00

Gotcha, Fucker!

Did I really just do that? I was looking over an older post and there, glimmering like a halcyon boner of yore were the words "Megan Fox" highlighted in the burnt umber color of this website's hotlinks. Both forgetting what picture I had linked and eager to get me some Foxness, I clicked and immediately heard it: The Snares of Rick Astley.

Yes, dearest readers, I Rick Roll'd myself. Stupid interwebs, all messing with me.

346. Miss Your Airport by 150 Miles

2009-10-23T15:18:00.005-04:00

Northwest Airlines Flight 188 from San Diego to Minneapolis/St. Paul went radio silent for two hours, did not respond to dispatcher text messages and overshot the MSP Airport by 150 miles. Reports say that the crew was engaged in a heated discussion over airline policy and temporarily lost situational awareness - for two hours.

What policies other than "fly and land an airplane" could they possibly be discussing? "Fucking Gladys. She always takes the last cup of coffee and never refills the coffee maker. I'm gonna talk to HR about that. It's just - I mean - it's just fucking inconsiderate. We all use that break room, am I right?"

"Cut Gladys some slack. She's good people. She really helped me through some tough times when I was going through my divorce."

"Hey, remember Chip in accounting? He let his department do Hawaiian Shirt Fridays. I think we should bring that back."

"Who's responsibility is it to cover for Claire when she's sick or on vacation? It's like, Steve can do half of her job, but what about the database upkeep? Do we hire a temp or - hey, did we just pass the airport, like an hour ago? That's a good one! Time flies, don't it?"

Hmm... Musta made a wrong turn in Albuquerque.

I guess missing an airport is sorta like missing an exit on the highway except for the whole "I can't turn around at the Minnetonka overpass, stop at the SuperAmerica for some gas and Cheetos and get back on track without creating a jet fueled fire crater in a Wisconsin field" part of it. And the whole "we'll just go to the next airport that can handle a 144 passenger Airbus plane that happens to be say, 300 miles away."

Oh yeah, and if you accidentally get on I35 instead of the Snelling Avenue exit, you won't have F-16s scramble to potentially shoot at your car.

345. Tape THIS Note to My Door.

2009-10-23T10:12:00.009-04:00

Grrrrrrr.

Yesterday, I posted a story about how much I f#ing hate my French, piece of sh#t downstairs neighbor (and also Kanye West), and just after the Yankees blew it last night, as if in perfect rhythm with the universe, I arrive home to find the above note taped to my front door.

In short, it says "I'm a smelly french f#ing idiot (read: "flat"). I bang on the ceiling (read "broom") because my tiny arrogant french brain doesn't comprehend that I live in a 5 story walkup built in 1947. Please stop any type of movement whatsoever because I'm unemployed and I do nothing but complain about "enclosed showers" and also my people may or may not have sold weapons-grade plutonium to Iraq in in the 1970's."

Round 2: It's been brought'n.

You want a character debate, Bob? You better stick with me, 'cause Sydney Ellen Wade is way out of your league. This is a time for serious people, Bob, and your fifteen minutes are up. My name is Andrew Shepherd, and I *am* the President.

Also, I really f#cking hate my downstairs neighbor.

344. Oops.

2009-10-22T11:48:00.006-04:00

Contessa Brewer (MSNBC) - sort your life out. You've got the touch of a dead pig. You have certainly hosted your fair share of ridiculously stupid news programs, but this one definitely takes the cake. Any kids out there currently studying at the Newhouse School of Public Communications - pay attention on what not to do on live TV. Wow.

Just to be clear, Contessa and so you never make this mistake again... let's review what we have learned here today.

THIS is Reverend Al Sharpton

and THIS is Reverend Jesse Jackson

idiot.

343. Tweet "RIP Kanye West"... and Not Mean It.

2009-10-21T23:58:00.006-04:00

As a matter of practice, I generally don't wish for people to outright [die]. Except for my downstairs, piece of sh#t, French neighbor, who, even as I type, is banging on the ceiling underneath my feet because evidently "Throwdown with Bobby Flay" is too loud for his jobless, fois gras and DJ Alan Braxe comfort. Motherf#cker, I know what you pay for your apartment and, believe me, it aint "bang the ceiling" worthy. I should know. I live above you. That's 32 steps and a better view, ass clown. And, if you're reading this, the reason there isn't any sex in your champagne room is mostly because you're poor; you f-ing bunk lookin' Joel McHale wanna be. I LIKE Mac & Cheese and only Bobby Flay does Mac & Cheese like that. P.S., tomorrow I'm wearing tap shoes. Early. So wake the f#ck up, tea bag, cause it's gonna be you, me, and "Puttin' on the Ritz" all morning long. And I'm gonna smoke Lucky Strikes, too. Lots of 'em. And I'm not gonna offer you any. But I'm definitely going to land as many as possible on your window ledge to remind you that I'm not offering you any. And I'm gonna listen to Pearl Jam. All the time. You heard it. Nonstop Pearl Jam. And not "Ten" Pearl Jam, either. I'm talking "No Code", B-Sides and live at the Bridge School Benefit in San Francisco Pearl Jam. Over and over and over and over again. Hope you like Lollapalooza, guy-who-doesn't shave... cause I'm Rockin' in the Free World and you and I are gonna be BFF, I can tell already. Tweet me and I'll come downstairs and we can wear sunglasses meant for black people and drink coffee together staring out the window morally judging pedestrians as they walk by. Your people let Monaco steal Grace Kelly from us and I'm still pissed about that. So, put your broom stick down and shut the hell up. Go complain about the Chunnel to somebody who gives a crap.

Also, I really f#cking hate Kanye West and wish he would die.

342. Pick One of the World's Most Dangerous Cities to Host the Olympics

2009-10-21T10:49:00.004-04:00

RIO DE JANIERO, BRASIL:

Drug bandits, utilizing what is called by police a "large calibre weapon" shot down a police helicopter over the weekend, killing all three officers on - Wait. Did that just say that bandits shot down a police helicopter? Large Calibre Weapon. I mean that's gotta be a REALLY Large Calibre Weapon to shoot down a freaking helicopter. The Olympics are going to be in a city that can have a similar scenario to "Blackhawk Down"? Right now, the residents of Mogadishu are hoping their bid for the World Cup goes through. Oh did we mention that Brasil has been selected to host the 2014 FIFA World Cup as well?

It's almost as stupid as hosting a Winter Olympics in someplace like Sarajevo. What's that? That actually happened? Well that's just plain silly.

341. Put People in Jail, then Go to Jail.

2009-10-20T14:42:00.005-04:00

"uhhh, yeah... yeah, this pretty much sucks."

A federal judge today sent former NYPD Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik directly to Jail. Kerik is accused of several counts of getting free sh#t; living for free as sh#t; avoiding the sh#t out of paying taxes and not donating sh#t to charity. He did not pass [Go] and may or may not have collected $200.

How in the hell could he have missed "Tango & Cash"?! Seriously, this doesn't work out.

340. Date This Girl... Then This Girl... Then, Wait, THIS GIRL?

2009-10-20T13:10:00.005-04:00

Leonardo DiCaprio is the man. Or is he? Perhaps not because I think he made the worst casting decision of his life recently.

This is Bar Rafaeli. Leo hit it.

This is Gisele Bundchen. Leo hit it.

This is Whitney Port. From the Hills. And rumor is Leo is hitting it.

Leo. You're a jackass. Of all the tail in the world... Ah you weahyin' a wiyah? Ah you weahyin' a wiyah? Depahted.

The Red Sox suck.

339. Have a Shiny Weather Balloon; Have a Six-Year-Old Son

2009-10-15T16:55:00.008-04:00

How Falcon Heene thought it would turn out.

Richard Heene is described as an amateur scientist and storm chaser. Red flag #1: "amateur" and "scientist" and "storm chaser" should not be in the same sentence unless ending with "suffered a completely predictable death."

Red flag #2: Six year olds like shiny things. Doubly so if they're shiny things with the potential of flight.

Richard Heene's six year old son, appropriately named Falcon Icarus Wright Brothers McDonnell Douglas Sikorsky Armstrong Sally Ride Heene apparently got a hold of the family minivan, er, homemade weather balloon and took it for a spin. I'm trying to imagine a world in which a loving family says "Hey honey, you know that shiny spaceship-looking weather balloon, complete with a child-sized passenger compartment? I'm just gonna leave it tied up here in the backyard where I'm quite certain that it will in no way be appealing to our six year old son who's named after a bird of prey. Sound good, sweetums? Great."

How it actually turned out. Minus the kid.

After trying to imagine that world I've decided it does not exist.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

A silver mylar weather balloon that you can actually get in? That is to a six year old boy as a vat of Haagen-Dazs, Megan Fox, a cask of Macallan 18 and bringing the Brooklyn Dodgers back (to get beat by the Yankees) is to me. Damn skippy Falcon's gonna try to pilot that whip.

(On an aside, our co-creator always wanted a spin-off of MTV Cribs: "You seen my crib. You seen my whips. Now check out my blimp. You ain't a balla' less you got a mo'fuckin' dirigible* up in that shit. It got a 50 FOOT flat screen on the side. How you like that, Lil' John?")

Big Blimpin', pumpin' H-e. Big blimpin' over N-Y-C.

CNN, in their ongoing coverage of not the war in Afghanistan, not the health care debate, not the jobless rate and not the pursuit of nuclear arms by several potentially unstable nations, called on-air an "experimental balloon expert" to enhance their coverage. Good for you, production assistant who googled "weather balloon expert".

Instead, CNN should have called me.

"We have on the line Dolphin Hater, an expert in idiocy. Mr. Hater, can you explain what happened here."

"Well Chet Uselessworthy, it seems that some negligent parents left a really pretty silver thing that floats in the backyard and didn't tie it up with a rewoven bowline or a suitably child-proof knot."

"Then what do you suspect the outcome would be?"

"Judging by my years of not having a child psychology doctorate but instead by my decades of 'shiny shit that flies is fucking awesome' degree, I theorize that the six year old boy would, like me, be pretty stoked if the buoyancy of the balloon was greater than that of his mass and get the hell in and cut those lines, mothafuckah!"

"Where's the boy now?"

"Who knows? But I want one of those things. Is now the right time to call amateur scientist Richard Heene to get a hold of one?"

"Probably not. Thanks a lot, Mr. Hater"

At this point the newscasters would have a hearty chuckle at my lighthearted closing comments and then do a quick cut to the breaking news of the Alameda County Turtle Racing League Finals between Mr. Shellsy and Yurtle III.

Pictured: A) Science Loving Family; B) Rocketry Aficionados; C) Negligent Parents

Now since Falcon L = Cl x p x V2 x A / 2 Heene has yet to be found, one can only speculate on what happened to him. I'm guessing hiding behind the shed or in the back of Pops' armored storm chasing tank.

ADDENDUM: This shit is clearly a hoax. These horrible horrible parents clearly put their unwitting six year old up to the task. It was tellingly revealed when the child, Falcon and Snowman Heene said on camera "You guys said that, um, we did this for the show."

Also, Richard Heene: NO ONE, and I mean No One will be buying a helium based air car anytime soon. By "anytime soon" I mean ever.

*I am very much aware of the fact that while a blimp is inflated a dirigible has an internal superstructure and thus are separate classifications of lighter than air craft. I added this footnote in case some fans of the USS Macon get all ornery and call me out. Dear Dirigible fanatics: I was voicing a character. I know the difference.

338. Sit on the Nobel Peace Prize Nominating Committee

2009-10-09T13:13:00.008-04:00

Keeps his pimp hand strong.

So as we all know, the President of the United States of America, Barack HUSSEIN Obama (Glenn Beck's emphasis, not mine) received the Nobel Peace Prize for “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.”

He's been President for nine months.

Two rivaling factions are battling in my head right now. Faction one says "this is all well and good because he really has improved America's image on the global stage."

The other half of me says "how can you get a prize based solely on potential and not on concrete accomplishments?" By that metric, I should have accrued a Pritzker Prize for architecture because I once thought it would be cool to build a house in the side of a hill. Of course I didn't build the house, but the potential was there all the time. So Peter Zumthor, turn that shit in and give me the $100,000. Just because you're actually an architect doesn't mean you're as good as my half-completed ideas and complete lack of technical architecture training.

With the above example to guide us through the Nobel Peace Prize selection, the question must be asked:What exactly went on in the room where the committee thought about this?

"Uh... Shit dude. Pretty crappy year, right?"

"For real, brah."

"Yo. Cheez-Its. Who should we nominate up on this tip?"

"Dunno. Ask Cristal."

"Hollah, Cris. Who we gonna put up for the Nobe' this year?"

"Well it can't be anything about China because everyone turned a blind eye to their abuse of the Uighur minority because everyone up on their tip for a piece of that Olympic pie, dawg."

"True dat. True dat. Is that Darfur thing fixed yet?"

"Nope. Heads still be offin' heads."

"Shit. Is there peace in the Middle East?"

"If by 'peace' you mean 'rampant Israeli abuses of the occupied territories and the curtailment of Palestinian livelihoods under the auspices of security', then yes."

"Yo. That's cold, bro. Straight pimpin' cold. Iran?"

"Active domination of the social, business and political landscape by the Basij pretty much precludes that."

"Man. We ain't gonna find no one for this shizzle."

"What 'bout Obama?"

"Shiiiiitttt, dawg. That's the smartest thing you said all day. All for Obama?"

"Word."

In a related note, President Obama has also been awarded a Clio for his role as Creative Director at McCann-Erickson and their integrated media campaign for New Balance sneakers, a Daytime Emmy for his role as Dr. Dirk McAllister III on "All My Children", a CMA Award for his single with Kenny Chesney, "I Left My Heart in El Paso and My Keys in the Ignition," an MTV Moon Man for playing Marlon Wayan's brother in Scary Movie XVI and a Schneider Trophy for piloting his Supermarine S.6b to 407 MPH on September 29th, 1931.

Yeah. Obama won that shit too.

And Finally: Since when did the Nobel Peace Prize committee sound like Duke Frat Boys trying to act all hard?

337. Create an Ivy League Dating Event

2009-10-05T12:51:00.014-04:00

Y'alls like a Pink song: You make me sick.

The Ivy Plus Society, founded by the obviously triple-named Jennifer Wilde Anderson (Stop. I know), is a dating and social networking series of parties that only allow attendance should you be an Ivy Leaguer or chosen from a select group of alumni from "acceptable" institutions - like Stanford and MIT and Georgetown (who I should add that when invited to the Ivy League, declined membership and actually has a good basketball team). Shame on you New York Times for further inflating these people's already inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement. Don't you know that when you publish this tripe it only makes them stronger?

Imagine this conversation between a crasher of this soiree and two pedigreed attendees:

INT. - WOOD PANELED BAR

The bar is dimly lit with walls sheathed in mahogany. A multitude of WHITE MEN is suits and ties mingle with well dressed ASIAN WOMEN. The guests hold ELEGANT STEMWARE and clink their drinks amicably, laughing and socializing. A WASPY GIRL in a muted skirt with high heels holds a clipboard. She is talking to MOPPY HAIRED PREPPY DOUCHEBAG. As they converse, THE CRASHER enters. The conversation between Waspy Girl and Moppy Haired Preppy Douchebag comes to an abrupt halt as they stare at The Crasher in his wrinkled sweater, partially undone tie and torn blazer.

WASPY GIRL

(Haughty)

Ahem. Can I help you?

THE CRASHER

Yeah, I'm here for the party.

WASPY GIRL

(Condescending)

Did you sign up?

THE CRASHER

No, but I've got a couple of friends here and they invited me.

WASPY GIRL

OK, there's a name tag table over there.

Waspy Girl pauses as The Crasher takes two steps towards a table arrayed with nametags.

WASPY GIRL

Oh, by the way, what school did you go to?

THE CRASHER

Hertford.

MOPPY HAIRED PREPPY DOUCHEBAG

(Snickers)

Hertford. Never heard of it.

WASPY GIRL

Oh, I'm sorry. This is just for Ivy Leaguers or schools of equal caliber.

THE CRASHER

Oh. Well Hertford's a very good college. I mean -

WASPY GIRL

(Interrupting)

Yeah, sorry, I've never heard of it. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

THE CRASHER

Well, I mean, it's not Harvard or Yale, but Thomas Hobbes went there. That's got to count for something.

MOPPY HAIRED PREPPY DOUCHEBAG

Thomas Hobbes? Never heard of him.

WASPY GIRL

Seriously, this is by invite only and you weren't invited.

THE CRASHER

John Donne went there too.

MOPPY HAIRED PREPPY DOUCHEBAG

John Donne? I thought he played for BC.

WASPY GIRL

You really must leave. Now.

THE CRASHER

No really, it's one of the finest academic -

MOPPY HAIRED PREPPY DOUCHEBAG

Listen, bro. The lady asked you to leave.

Moppy Haired Preppy Douchebag moves to block The Crasher's entry into the party. The Crasher looks closely at Moppy Haired Preppy Douchebag's name tag. It reads: SKIP WIGGLESWORTH, HARVARD '02

THE CRASHER

(Irritated)

Listen, Skip. What year was Harvard founded?

MOPPY HAIRED PREPPY DOUCHEBAG

(Taken aback)

Uh, 1640.

THE CRASHER

1636, fucktard. Do you have any idea where Hertford College is?

MOPPY HAIRED PREPPY DOUCHEBAG

(Unsure)

Uh, upstate somewhere?

THE CRASHER

Oxford. Oxford, England. My college was founded before the bible was translated into English. You know how I know that? Because the guy who did it went to Hertford College. Furthermore, you are just applying your clear ignorance by not knowing who the fuck Thomas Hobbes is. He wrote The Leviathan. Ever hear of it? Of course you haven't. Because you were too busy coasting through on mommy's money and daddy's legacy while the rest of the people who earned their entry into Harvard or Yale or Princeton and do not rely on snobbery and elite classist behavior actually applied themselves and earned a world-class education. Also, those people who worked their way through the Ivy League never feel the need to advertise to the world at large that they are a privileged twat because they go and get jobs on their own and are not handed them by your father's cronies.

MOPPY HAIRED PREPPY DOUCHEBAG

(Offended)

I have a job.

THE CRASHER

Let me guess. At a bank. Good for you.

WASPY GIRL

Guys, can we please -

THE CRASHER

And I'm not through with you either, Jennifer Wilde Anderson. Just because you studied your ass off in high school, not living your life, over whelming yourself with seven thousand useless extracurriculars and your daddy's moderately well to do accountant gig made him insecure enough to shell out hundreds of thousands of dollars for an education where for your first 2 years in school you were never taught by an actual professor because the TA's did it does not make you an automatic blue-blood like Chet Assleworthy here. You should have told dear old daddy to bury his shame of going to a state school and to save his money, send you to a good liberal arts college where you would have had a real student to teacher ratio and maybe got you out of the hermetically sealed environs of the northeast.

MOPPY HAIRED PREPPY DOUCHEBAG

I'm sorry, I thought you were -

THE CRASHER

You thought I was beneath you. That's what you thought. Well listen here, Skippy. My college was founded in the fucking thirteenth century and Jonathan Swift - the guy who wrote Gulliver's Travels - went there. So if you want to start name dropping, you arrogant prick, how about this? Elizabeth Shue, George W. Bush and Ted Kaczynski went to Harvard. Proud of those alums? Wanna get truly arrogant? Everybody who's school pre-dates Columbus by over two centuries, please raise your hand.

The Crasher RAISES HIS HAND. Moppy Haired Preppy Douchebag and Waspy Girl stare at their expensive shoes.

THE CRASHER

You know what? Fuck this. I got some friends from Swarthmore and Haverford hanging out at a bluegrass concert right now. But they weren't invited here because their educations are clearly subpar. I should tell my buddy who went to the Sorbonne that he can't come either.

The Crasher turns to leave while Waspy Girl runs after him.

WASPY GIRL

I'm so so sorry. Won't you please come back in?

THE CRASHER

No thank you. Have fun catching crabs from the Columbia rowing team.

END SCENE

Your alma mater's logo.

Resultant in the existence of The Ivy League Plus Society, or TIPS*, I hereby announce the foundation of the "Colleges of Collective Knowledge Society" which will include the following:

Good state schools that were a wise decision for a multitude of reasons including: lesser financial burden for both parent and student, a wide breadth of academic variety and definitely better parties.
Intelligent liberal arts colleges that offer small student bodies allowing greater access to professors and a diverse student body.
Self-Made High School or College Drop Outs who made their own way despite poor and/or dysfunctional family situations.
Anyone who feels an MBA is a complete and utter waste of time and money when compared to getting a fucking job, working hard, gaining experience and excelling professionally.
People who have read lots of good books, listen to good music, are happy with their jobs and generally enjoy meeting new and different people.

Our first party will be at the exact same time and place as the next TIPS party.

And how about TIPS's silly acronym? I think Colleges of Collective Knowledge Society's wins.

*Dear Jenny Domestic Anderson: The usage of "The" is generally not accepted in acronyms - hence the lack of organizations called "TCIA", "TFBI", "TUSA", "TUK", "TUSSR", etc. Not only are you snotty, but you lack any iota of cleverness. I think you actually might have gone to Harvard School for Short Bus Riders and Constant Helmet Wearing.

336. Put White-Walls on Your Armored Personnel Carriers

2009-10-01T12:13:00.006-04:00

'32 Ford speedster with a Chevy small-block V8? Yeah - that's gotta have white-wall tires.

'57 Chevy Bel Air? Damn straight that's gotta have white-walls.

Chinese wheeled armored personnel carrier? Sure that's gonna - wait, what?

China, China, China. When will you learn, you silly, silly, totalitarian country? The People's Republic of China just celebrated its 60th anniversary with a massive parade of armed forces, military equipment, flowers, probably dancing bears - you name it. And all the guests and people viewing were in awe of the - what's that? Oh... That's right. It's China. I take it back.

There were no guests.

There were no people viewing it.

In order to not spoil the parade, China banned most of Beijing's 17 million residents from the areas around the parade grounds, forbade people from lining the streets to patriotically cheer and did not allow anyone who stayed at home along the route to even raise their blinds or stand on their balconies.

So everyone watched it on TV.

Why would you hold a parade and not let anyone see it?

Because you're China and you're functionally retarded.

335. Mistake an Invasion for a Revolution

2009-09-24T11:15:00.003-04:00

No offense, Right Honorable Prime Minister Churchill, but you're wrong. I mean, completely incorrect.

The English in their "sun never sets" pride recognize the Norman Conquest of 1066 as the last time a foreign invader touched English soil. They cite the defeat by battle and (mostly) weather of the Spanish Armada in 1588, the multiply thwarted efforts of a seaborne invasion by Napoleon - culminating in Nelson's victory at Trafalgar - and the inability of Hitler to mount an amphibious landing as a divine providence coupled with the resilience and plucky good spirits of the British people as reasons for England's inability to be conquered by a foreign power.

But they're all so very very wrong.

Let's tell a little vignette: IF 15,000 to 18,000 Dutch and mercenary soldiers and 4,000 cavalry in a fleet of 20,000 sailors, 3 times larger than the Spanish Armada, land in your nation unopposed (thanks to favorable winds) and wait for your King to leave your capital, then enter your main city, assemble the Parliament (now only called a Convention because only a sitting monarch can call Parliament) who decree that the leader of the opposing force and his wife are indeed sovereign and allow your recently deposed head of state to sort of slip away to a neighboring country without harassment, well you in fact have been invaded.

So England. You stopped the Spanish in their tracks. You defeated Napoleon. You held steadfast against Hitler. But sorry folks, you were invaded and conquered in 1688 by William of Orange of the freaking Netherlands.

That's a 3 of 5 record for invasion repulses since 1000AD, but not a perfect score.

334. Root for Notre Dame (Without Having Attended Notre Dame)

2009-09-22T12:06:00.006-04:00

Ay, 'tis our racist mascot!

Truth #1: We at 1001 Things are Yankees Fans.

Truth #2: The Yankees are the most successful franchise in professional sports history.

Truth #3: Non-New Yorker Yankees fans are jackasses. Actually, most Yankees fans are jackasses.

Truth #4: The New York Yankees dramatically outsell other teams in merchandise like caps, jerseys and shirts.

Truth #5: Most non-Yankees fans resent both genuine New Yorker or relocated New Yorker fans as well as the so-called front-runners who have no geographic or familial links to said ball club.

Truth #6: Notre Dame is to college football as the Yankees are to professional baseball. For all of the above truths, (except #1) the term "Notre Dame" could be inserted in lieu of "Yankees".

Our Reutinger or however the hell you spell it.

"Yeah! Go Fighting Irish! Go!"

"Oh, you went to Notre Dame?"

"No, but I love 'em."

"Why?"

"Uh, because, uh, my brother's wife's grandfather's uncle went there like 43 years ago."

"Oh, so you have no actual reason to root for - wait a second. Did you even go to college?"

"Um. No."

The overwhelming number of Notre Dame supporters boggles the mind. Yes. They have been successful. 11 confirmed national championships with an extra 2 that could be argued should have been voted as such. Yes, they do have a wide pre-built fan base by the fact that they are ostensibly a Catholic institution. Yes, there are a vast amount of Americans of Irish descent that salivate wildly at the mention of anything Irish including shamrock tattoos, corned beef and cabbage or Michael Flatley. Except all of these things are American and not Irish at all.

I understand that Notre Dame is the only college to be nationally televised on Network TV since 1834 so that most of the gape-jawed knuckle draggers of America's hinterland have only been exposed to Notre Dame as the sole institution of higher learning that doesn't have a tag line like "now I can't call you..." - but that's still no excuse. You are aware that there are other schools that excel at Football, correct?

But the fact remains: Notre Dame gear is nearly ubiquitous, eclipsing most other college's paraphernalia and NO ONE KNOWS ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY WENT THERE! So do us a favor: unless you or a member of your nuclear family attended Notre Dame, take off the sweatshirt with the racist iconography and cheer for the school you went to or barring that, whichever Big 10 or ACC school you can think of because, oh yeah, Notre Dame isn't even in a conference because they're that afraid of being ranked against other teams that will handily crush them.

Oh, and Notre Dame fans: Rudy sucked.

333. Report a Gang Bang as a Gang Rape

2009-09-21T11:56:00.002-04:00

NSFW

Danmell Ndonye, the Hofstra University student who reported her consensual sexual encounter with 5 men in a dormitory bathroom as a rape and then recanted because video evidence surfaced said she felt remorse for her boyfriend.

OK. At what cock did she start to feel remorse?

Cock #1: Alright, this is sorta fun.

Cock #2: BRING IT, BITCHES

Cock #3: I think I miss my boyfriend.

Cock #4: I regret this decision.

Cock #5: Yep. Definitely calling this a rape.

Says one of the sexual predators - er, guy who doesn't care what kind of STDs he gets from his friends: "Thank God I was there. And thank God I filmed it." Ahh, Arvin Rivera of Harry S. Truman HS of the Bronx, you is one classy guy to pick such a classy dame and have no remorse about filming your friends repeatedly penetrating a girl with some serious mental disorders - only in that she wasn't paid or live in the Valley - because there, that's just called a Wednesday afternoon.

332. Be a Major Market Newscaster; Reference Coitus With Poultry On-Air

2009-09-17T15:38:00.006-04:00

Ah, Ernie Anastos. He's like the Kanye West of New York based 10pm news broadcasts. That's right, Ernie. Keep Fucking That Chicken. This will soon become a generational mantra akin to "Hang In There" with a suspended cat or "Keep on Truckin'" with one of those R. Crumb characters with disproportionately long legs.

Also for future reference, fellow broadcast journalists, blindness is not gay:

331. Utilize the Lightning Strike Personal Protection System

2009-09-17T14:25:00.004-04:00

Help! I'm out of Double-A batteries!

Enter the Lightning Strike Personal Protection System and its requisite infomercial. The above video is not only sexist, but ridiculous. It's also misleading: It's not a personal protection system. It's a fucking flashlight.

INT. DARK HALLWAY

VICTIM, a petite blonde in a form fitting tank top is walking through the dimly lit hallway, her movements illuminated only by the glow of an EXIT SIGN. Several yards behind her, a figure moves stealthily through the shadows. He is the ASSAILANT. The gleam of a KNIFE is momentarily glimpsed. He nears the Victim.

ASSAILANT

Ima cut you, bitch!

VICTIM

Help! Police!

ASSAILANT

There ain't no coppers here, bitch!

VICTIM

Then Take this, bad bad man!

Victim reaches for an item on her belt and retrieves it. In her hand, she wields the LIGHTING STRIKE PERSONAL PROTECTION SYSTEM. She SHINES the Lightning Strike Personal Protection System in the face of the Assailant.

ASSAILANT

Ow! A marginally brighter than average flashlight! I'm momentarily inconvenienced!

Assailant then wildly lunges at Victim. She retaliates by HITTING the assailant on the wrist with the Lightning Strike Personal Protection System.

ASSAILANT

Ouchie! A sort of hurtful hit on the arm! How will I recover from sort of not seeing things and a less than mobile non-knife holding wrist?

Assailant proceeds to STAB victim approximately 27 times. Victim gargles in pool of her own BLOOD as Assailant rifles through her pockets.

ASSAILANT

A WaMu debit card? Do they even exist anymore?

Assailant wipes the BLOOD off of his non-injured knife holding hand, shrugs and pockets $14.

So let me get this straight... You can defend yourself with the Lightning Strike Personal Protection System if you are alone and indoors, and it's dark in there. So I guess that means a broad daylight raping cannot be defended against so you might as well submit. "Eh, I don't really like getting captured and sexually assaulted but since all I've got is this lousy flashlight and it is 2:30 in the afternoon, I guess I'll just roll with it."

That's why I carry a brace of flintlock pistols and a cutlass. And a Cutlass Ciera. Now that's class.

Better than a flashlight.

Better than a Flintlock Pistol.

Better version of Flashlight.

Did we mention the kit comes with a whistle/beepy thingy that you can pin to your shoulder?

You know when you're walking down the street and you here the car alarms going off? Do you run to the assistance, thinking "someone's breaking into someone else's 1998 Nissan Maxima!" Usually not. You usually think "Wow. That's annoying. I didn't even know they made car alarms anymore." Did you ever look at the sun for a little too long then have a sort of hard time catching a frisbee afterwards?

Both of those scenarios are essentially the level of protection afforded by the Lightning Strike Personal Temporary Nuisance to the Motherfucker Who's Gonna Stab You System.

330. Be a Non-Ivy League Grad Student; Get Murdered

2009-09-16T14:31:00.008-04:00

You've just won the (posthumous) lottery!

Before all of you berate/deride/otherwise scorn me, I would like to point out that in no case am I mocking the brutal, horrific and strange circumstances of Annie Le's murder at a Yale laboratory. I feel for her, her family, her fiancee - everyone involved. This is a tragic affair. What I am mocking is the fact that Detroit, MI alone had 2,289 murders in 2007 alone and not a single one of them garnered - thus far - the 4 articles (5 articles now - one was just published while typing these very words) and tens of thousands of words in the New York Times ALONE that the Annie Le murder has accrued. And let's not even address the neglect afforded the 4,344 American service men/women killed in Iraq. Also - what's not to say that maybe the friends and family of Ms. Le don't want to be media darlings of the moment?

So let's do the math:

Black, Poor, Found on a Street in Detroit Shot Dead: Three words in police blotter.

Hispanic, Enlisted Man, IED detonation fatality: Nada.

Cute, Asian, Ivy League Education, About to Get Married: DING DING DING!! DAILY DOUBLE! FAMOUS DEATH! You're on Gawker and HuffPo and the NYT and Yahoo! and Google News and Bloomberg and your fiancee will definitely be on the Today Show! Congratulations - the media picked you! Candlelight vigil of a thousand incredibly wealthy and privileged attendees? You got it!

Right now somewhere out there, Ira Hayes is saying to everyone at Yale, the New York Times and CNN: "Fuck. Off. I fucking stormed Iwo Motherfucking Jima, raised a fucking flag and died in a ditch. "

That said, he did get a good Johnny Cash song out of the deal.

So screw you, media, for picking favorites and ignoring everyone else. I don't really like you too much, media.

Except Glenn Beck. Now that's a guy who's got his shit together.

329. Breaking and Entering a Johns Hopkins Undergrad's House

2009-09-15T16:51:00.009-04:00

This is my safety. The sheath. That's what I meant.

Thanks to Sean C. for bringing this to my attention...

So you're thinking about breaking and entering a Johns Hopkins undergrad's house... might wanna think twice cause:

That's a samurai stabbin'.

Alledgedly, although names have not been released, career petty criminal Donald D. Rice of Baltimore, MD broke into the home of Johns Hopkins undergrad John Pontolillo and for his efforts was awarded a nearly severed hand and deep chest wound courtesy of Mr. Pontolillo's samurai sword, a katana. Oh, and also he's dead.

Artist's depiction of John Pontolillo.

The linked article is so rife with choice quotes that I'll highlight a couple:

"You don't expect to hear that someone you know killed a guy with a samurai sword."

Yes, you do not expect to hear that unless you're a daimyo during the Ashikaga Shogunate or maybe a POW Camp Supervisor in 1930s China.

"But the police spokesman said he was not in a position to comment on whether it was appropriate to use a sword, baseball bat or other means of defense."

Wow. That's quite a large dichotomy of weaponry you have there. "We're going to war and we're not sure if we should take a squadron of F35 Joint Strike Fighters or a half dozen of those wind-up balsa wood airplanes. Let's go with the F35's." Not to belittle the potential lethality of a baseball bat, but the mailicious (or self-defense) implementation of a baseball bat resulting in a fatality - barring one lucky strike to a temple or someone with a weak heart - would involve some serious committment. I've seen ganster movies - it takes a while to crack a skull open. Furthermore, what exactly is "other means of defense?" Brass knuckles? A medieval mace? That really useless looking three-pointed thing Raphael* used in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

US News and World Report Rankings for Johns Hopkins: Medical School: #1; Bio-Engineering: #1; Ninja-Weapon Disembowelments: #2 (Dartmouth ranks #1)

"Rice was charged with several weapons charges, but prosecutors dropped the case in Circuit Court in July 2008 after one of the officers - who was deployed overseas with the military - could not attend a court hearing..."

Wait. Just one of the officer's couldn't be there? What about the others? I'm pretty sure that a weapons arrest entails more than two cops, judging from documentaries like "Bad Boys II" and "Lethal Gun 33 1/3". Also, way to penalize the public because one of your cops decides to serve his country overseas.

Actually - on second thought - good on that cop for being deployed overseas. It allowed John Pontolillo to rid another miscreant from the gene pool - although he was 49 so he probably has had kids already. Well at least he can't have anymore. Looks like he's not lending a helping hand. Ugh. I retract that.

*He's the leader of the group. He was transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop. Also: pizza's their food it's sure to please for these ninjas are into pepperoni and cheese.

328. Be a Human Rights Group's Military Adviser, Critical of Israel and a Nazi Memorabilia Collector

2009-09-15T11:08:00.008-04:00

Yeah. Maybe I should've stuck to collecting stamps. Nazi stamps!

Fact: Human Rights Groups the world over have a hard-on for the Palestinian cause. Now this walks a razor's edge between warranted, empirically supported complaints of Israeli political and military treatment of the occupied Palestinian territories and "OMFG u r antisemitic!!!111!!111!1!!". A tough line to tread, needless to say.

Fact: Israel, rightfully so, is touchy about being accused of human rights violations and as a sovereign state has to defend both itself and its image and standing on the public international stage.

Fact: You should probably know if the chief military adviser for your human rights watchdog group - cleverly called Human Rights Watch - is an avid collector of not German military memorabilia, but STRAIGHT UP NAZI MEMORABILIA.

Marc Garlasco of Human Rights Watch has been suspended when it was discovered that his out-of-office hobby was collecting Nazi medals, equipment, uniforms and his freaking online forum handle was - wait for it - Flak88. For those of you unaware of the connotation of that moniker, the Flugzeugabwher-Kanone 88mm - meaning "anti aircraft gun" in the most mellifluous terminology German can offer - was a devastating artillery piece used by the Third Reich against both Allied air and ground forces. We'll call this Indicator #1.

Indicator #2 - Marc has been quoted on a collector site as saying - and this beggars disbelief as this man is supposed to offer unbiased military analysis of Israel's actions against the Palestinian people - "That is so cool! The leather SS jacket makes my blood go cold it is so COOL!" Quick History Lesson: The SS were in charge of keeping order within the Germany military, serving as elite storm troops and also, um, how do I put this gently? - Killing Jews.

It's like a freaking Macy's catalogue photo to this guy.

So you're telling me that the guy who's supposed to offer unbiased military advice to a human rights group vis-a-vis Israel's actions thinks that a leather SS jacket is awesome, writes 500 page books on the history of Nazi medals and awards (mind you again, not German Military medals and awards, but specifically Nazi) and has the screen name Flak88?

@EinsatzgruppenLUV - OMFG - That coat is AW3SOM3! LOL!! Not 1 in front but the 1 w/gun! ROFL!

Marc says in the Huffington Post that he's just a "military geek" and that his grandfather was drafted into the German Army in WWII and it's a reflection of his heritage. Well in that case, I'm going to dress like Custer and give out smallpox blankets. That is of course assuming that my heritage includes Gatling Gunning women and children. I do have a World War I helmet though, so I guess that means I like chlorine gas and corpse-eating rats. Alright - I'm not the most qualified man to throw stones. Get it? Palestinians? Throwing Stones? Against a first world American funded military superpower? Get it? Ha!

[Ed. note: not funny. OK, sorta is.]

UPDATE: In "News of the Obvious", a UN panel has found evidence of War Crimes on both the Palestinian militants and the Israeli military. Duh. You're saying that the two sides, rivals for, uh, eleventy-thousand years, steeped in hatred and ignorance perpetuated by religious indoctrination and groupthink would even deign to commit war crimes against their most hated rival whom they have essentially defined for all social purposes as less-than-human? NEVER! You speak ill of these people! Shut yo mouth! But I'm just talkin' 'bout the Middle East! And we can dig it.

327. Design a Condom with Handles

2009-09-10T13:42:00.003-04:00

Bicycles, Big Wheels, Condoms - All have, um, handles?

"Grab the reins," implores the advertisement for the Sensis condom. "The next sexual revolution has arrived," it continues. "And it's got handles."

So you're telling me this condom has removable handles... Let me just say that if you need a handle to get a condom on, you probably shouldn't be that close to the source of reproduction in the first place.

Secondly, what a buzz kill. "Oh baby, oh baby, I'm gettin' so ready.... get a condom." The obligatory fumbling ensues followed by "Hold on just one second - I have to PEEL THE HANDLES OFF OF YOUR PENIS." Not. Cool.

You know what, on second thought, maybe this IS a good idea because there are those too stupid to apply a traditional condom, so maybe the Sensis and its "no fumbling or lube mess" handles will prevent their contaminated semi-retarded chromosomes from entering into mankind's gene pool.

Jury's out on this one.

326. White Castle

2009-09-09T13:47:00.007-04:00

Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

Not "1001 Things Not to Do Before You Die: Eat at White Castle" or "1001 Things Not to Do Before You Die: Have a 20 Sack at 3:30am" but instead "1001 Things Not to Do Before You Die: The Very CONCEPT of White Castle and all that entails".

There it is, beckoning like a Disney Fairy Princess Castle on your walk or (hopefully sober) drive home at 1:47am: The White Castle. Instead of the Golden Arches, you head inexorably towards the Pristine Ramparts.* When confronted with their substantial and varied menu, the mind begins to reel. "Well I could get four sliders for $3.07, but why not get six instead? I mean, they are pretty small. Hell - make it a sack of twenty. And I guess there's no harm adding cheese to the fries. And what the hell is a 'chicken ring'? I don't know, but damned if I'm not going to find out now!" Next thing you know, you've consumed 3,450 calories in all of :45 seconds, you don't feel well, your BAC seems to have increased and you're still hungry.

Eh... I could have another ten if you give me three minutes.

Here are the reasons White Castle should not exist:

1. The Sliders. Why are White Castle's micro-burgers nicknamed sliders? Because supposedly, they just slide down your throat. That statement alone is rife with so many disgusting, unappetizing and unfortunate connotations. I personally enjoy food that falls into the "you have to chew it" taxonomy.

2. The Beef is Steamed. Again. If you can describe a food product in terminology that with little to no stretch of the imagination can be construed to mean a perverse sex act or description used in the captions of Club Magazine, it should not be consumed. Broccoli is steamed. Cauliflower is steamed. Edamame is steamed. Beef is not steamed.

3. It's Very Very Cheap. Not speaking of the quality of the product which no doubt, judging from a typical restaurant mark-up stand point, would run in the seven to ten cent range for raw ingredients but in the sense that it's low price point begets - even encourages - gorging. See the above statement vis a vis the immediate escalation from four sliders to a sack of twenty without financial remorse.

Typical White Castle Neighboring Business.

4. They're Always in the Ghetto. Have you ever seen a White Castle situated in a strip mall? Of course you have. But it's never the strip mall with a Target, Kohl's and EMS. It's the strip mall with Dollar Center, Bulletproof Glass Liquors and Payless Knock-Off store. So by virtue of dining or ordering take out from a White Castle, you are probably situated in a locale with less than stellar property values with neighboring establishments like The Red Garter Gentleman's Club** and Gas Station Without a Recognizable Fortune 500 Company's Sign.

5. It's Unhealthy. No-brainer.

So in conclusion, it's not eating at White Castle that's a thing not to do, it is its very existence that should not have occurred in the first place.

*I will trademark that phrase, just in case White Castle decides to go up-market.

**I highly recommend the Red Garter Gentleman's club of Indianapolis, IN. Now they are purveyors of a quality product.

325. Maintain a Combination Change/Thumbtacks Cup

2009-09-08T13:02:00.004-04:00

Just not a good idea on many levels.

"Feeling a might peckish, I say! I need .60 cents for my pretzels. I'll just reach into the ol' change cup and - OUCH!"

I rectified that problem pretty quickly. Let's just say though that my Pavlovian response to a vintage Buffalo Nickel is pretty violent. I've basically taken a vendetta out on the local numistatics club.

324. Be a European Soccer Player

2009-09-04T15:44:00.004-04:00

Dahling! I just got transferred and it's divine!

What is it about these guys that seems so, ahem, queer? And yes. I meant it in that way. From David Beckham to the above case, Sr. Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro, these flamboyant "athletes" flaunt their expensive cars and fancy clothing much like their American counterparts. What sets them apart is the fact that their immaculately styled hair can remain in sight during matches whereas most American sports require head gear. Secondly, they carry purses. When leaving the stadium, players like Ronaldo usually - WAIT. Did I just say they carry purses? Jesus Christ. Does the guy even have pockets? What can you possibly have in there besides the ordinary accessories of cellphone, wallet, keys, maybe a lighter or chapstick? - Which can fit in the pockets of your D&G jeans, pretty boy. I mean that's pretty much all you have, right? Anything more, like say a book or a bottle of water or a laptop wouldn't fit in that murse, ergo he must be carrying cosmetics. And is he wearing a pearl necklace? Thank GOD we don't have anyone this effeminate in American Sports.

Oh. Wait. Dammit.

323. Utilize a Plastic Folding Table as Adequate Cover from Firearms

2009-09-04T14:53:00.008-04:00

Just watch this. Watch it. Marvel in its "Did Spike Jonze Direct This?"-ness.

OK. Now that you've watched that work of true artistry - and before you get all "Here Comes The Religion Bashing" indignant - note the ridiculous-ness of this scenario. And not on a religious note but on a sheerly tactical level:

He's using a remarkably unstable plastic folding table as cover. While only marginally aware of the existence of simple Newtonian physics (I fall a lot), I can assume that any projectile above the power of bow and arrow will easily penetrate that flimsy barrier. He's somersaulting and rolling on the floor like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon 9: Career Reboot. I'm no SWAT Officer (actually I am - or am I?) but I am guaranteeing that every single move he executed is not only completely superfluous, but even more dangerous than were he to keep his eyes - and weapon - trained on the target. When I was in basic officer training (i.e., I have a DVD copy of Policy Academy 6: City Under Siege) I learned that the only way to combat a hostage situation is with clever vocal sound effects and a hot chick as a motorcycle cop.

Come on, The Post - That's the best pun you can come up with? You're better than that, The Post.

Did we mention that this gun-toting Rabbi was in the NYPD? And that he was fired from the force in the early 90s? Because he was. So he's a reliable source of - uh - something.

And one final point. The replica handguns they're utilizing are probably - but not necessarily - emulating a real firearm in the caliber of 9x19mm Parabellum. Which was invented in 1902. By a company called Deutsche Waffen und Munitionsfabriken which strikes me as less than, uh, Kosher?

322. Trust AT&T

2009-09-03T11:31:00.007-04:00

Many call the AT&T Logo the Death Star, both indicative of the logo itself and AT&T's former - and sort of resumed - dominance in the telecommunications market. A recent New York Ti... New York Ti... New York Dirty Liberal Rag article notes that the overwhelming amount of iPhone users within AT&T's network are using excessive bandwith to the detriment of other network users. But the real reason not to trust AT&T stems from the accompanying photo:

JESUS CHRIST! They've got freaking NORAD! That place is terrifying. That's how they monitor their network? Wouldn't you think with the current state of technology it could be just one guy with a laptop? Instead they own NASA's Mission Control or the action station of the ACTUAL Death Star.

Pop Quiz: Verizon's Control Room or Nuclear Aircraft Carrier?

In general, I am hesitant to trust any publicly traded company that somewhere within their organization harbors a room straight out of a Nimtz Class Carrier's situation room.

321. Create This Ad on Spec

2009-09-02T10:29:00.005-04:00

For our next hit, a Hiroshima survivors reunion photo.

The above ad was created on spec for the WWWF, or the World Wrestling and Wildlife Fund/Federation. The WWF "strongly condemns this offensive and tasteless ad and did not authorize its production or publication. Furthermore, will be be sending Macho Man Randy Savage, Lieutenant Slaughter (he was promoted) and Jim "Sawzall" Duggan (technological advancement) to put a major Smackdown (TM) on the offending company, DDB Brazil."

Besides, the Tsunami already has its only (as far as we in the West know) survivor.

Not really sure what the above ad means, but its copy reads "The Tsunami Killed 100 Times More People Than 9/11". Which is probably true, but hello? Was the Tsunami in a major media outlet? No! So who cares? The Tsunami was filmed by tourists with cellphone cameras and grainy home video from 8th Floor balconies. 9/11 was filmed by FUCKING NBC from the top of Rockefeller Center. Now those are production values. So, silly Brazilian ad agency, if you want to make an impact, ensure that you mock a disaster that wasn't photographed by General Electric, Disney, News Corp and (formerly a unit of) Viacom. Because you just can't compare the Tsunami coverage of dying impoverished non-white people (notwithstanding the UN's "Petra Nemcova Clause") who do not wear suits and ties for what the four major multi-national hundreds of billions of dollars media outlets submit as their coverage.

320. Create a Contrived Corporate Grille

2009-08-30T15:50:00.005-04:00

Acura, I'm looking squarely in your direction. Let us explore the history of a corporate branded grille pattern that works. Why does it work? Because it's always been there.

1937

1972

2009

Still got the double kidney working. See how that works? It's been like that forever. Ingrained in the brand's DNA. A design language that has and will remain in perpetuity, thus definining the car's visage.

Now here's how NOT to do it.

1986

2004

2009

What the hell is that giant plastic shield for, other than a contrived look of corporate unity? God - it's hideous.

Here's another example of how to do it correctly:

1927

1980

2009

See what they did there? They've stayed consistent without resorting to overworked, focus-group created brand identity. So automakers: please pick a theme and stick with it and make sure it will remain timeless, because by 2020 Acuras will probably have neon-green running lights on the roof to stick out from the crowd.

319. Leave Your Umbrella Open to Dry

2009-08-28T12:47:00.005-04:00

They're multiplying!

I don't know if this solely a New York phenomena, but the "leaving your umbrella open to dry" trend must cease, posthaste. Not only does it turn the office into a veritable obstacle course strewn with umbrellas like a meadow of over sized flowers, but it is completely irrational. At no point will drying your umbrella in the open position diminish its future rain-shielding capabilities. Furthermore, due to the fact that umbrellas are an impermeable and waterproof nylon, they are designed specifically to get and remain wet for extended periods of time. Let us list the people for whom the open umbrella policy is relevant. The following people are exempt from this workplace nuisance:

1. The Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Umbrella Quarterly. The E-i-C of Vintage Umbrella Quarterly, a known aficionado of archaic modes of moisture avoidance must leave his nineteenth century English brollies unfurled because the wax-coated cotton fabric is susceptible to wet-rotting and mildew by virtue of the outdated, non-synthetic materials utilized for the canopies.

My umbrella - Note the technique of storing the waterproof fabric in the closed position.

2. Uh.... that's about it actually. No. 1 is the only person who needs to keep his umbrella open because your umbrella, oh respected cubicle mate, is synthetic nylon which has the sole design of getting wet.

If Vintage Umbrella Quarterly does not exist, I think I'm going to start it. Once every three months, for a yearly fee of $179.99 you will receive a fine leather bound volume detailing the restoration, maintenance and purchasing tips for vintage umbrellas as well as profiles on notable names in the vintage umbrella market and special articles on vintage umbrellas of note.

318. Kidnap Girl, Hide her for Two Decades then Proclaim it a Heartwarming Story

2009-08-28T11:51:00.006-04:00

Captions Unnecessary.

Jesus Christ! Actually, probably shouldn't have started with that exclamation because Crazy McMolestsalot, aka Phillip Garrido of Antioch (again with the Bible), CA believes in the ol' Christy O'Diedforsins.

So this Phillip Garrido kidnapped 11 year old Jaycee Dugard 18 years ago while her stepfather watched helplessly. Mr. Garrido subsequently fathered two children with the kidnapped Jaycee, now renamed Allissa. He sequestered Allissa/Jaycee and the two daughters in a secret ramshackle compound of tents and shacks behind his house and never took the daughters, age 11 and 15, to the doctor's. Ever. Also, do yourself a favor and do not do the math on the ages of the daughters versus the age of kidnapped Jaycee/Allissa. It's disturbing and sickening.

Oh THAT Garrido compound. Yeah, I meant to mention something about that...

So when the truth is illuminated to a parole officer, Mr. Garrido claims - and I cannot fucking believe the balls this fucker has - that:

"My life has been straightened out - Wait till you hear the story of what took place at this house. You’re going to be absolutely impressed. It’s a disgusting thing that took place with me at the beginning, but I turned my life completely around."

SERIOUSLY? Let me do some critical editing of the above passage to reflect its true nature:

"My life has been straightened out - Wait till you hear the story of what took place at this house. You’re going to be absolutely impressed. It’s a disgusting thing that took place with me at the beginning, but I turned my life completely around."

There - Fixed that for you.

And just in case any you are in any doubt of Phillip Garrido's complete lack of sanity and the fact that he will be killed in prison, I'll leave you with this nugget of brilliance:

“I Phillip Garrido have clearly demonstrated the ability to control sound with my mind and have developed a device for others to witness this phenomena,” he wrote. “I have produced a set of voices by effectively controlling the sound to pronounce words through my own mental powers.”

Um. Guess what, Phillip? That's called "talking." I can control sound as well. It's called yelling "YOU ARE FUCKING SCUM AND SHOULD BE SHOT!"

317. Hide That You are from Frackville.

2009-08-27T16:02:00.001-04:00

Frackin' Awesome!

316. Stop the Music

2009-08-27T13:13:00.003-04:00

Hearken unto mine song most dear!

Good sir! I beg of you - nay - implore you to continue with those dulcet tones. Do unto me this most gracious of favours: please do not cease the issue of such sweet melodie.

The hour is drawing nigh. I am sallying forth towards a locale most favourable and desire to move most rhythmically to better my humours - astress'd they be of late. While not in the mind to court anew, thine eyes have met mine orbs and thou feasibly couldst be a potential suitor. Gaze has met gaze and I must quit this place and be near you. Oh! Cruel Fate! Should thoust wish to depart, do not!

What havoc have you wrought upon my heartstrings? Anticipating a night of frivolity and spirts most copious, instead I find us intertwined upon the salon's firmament, delicately cradled as the rondos of Couperin and gavottes of Albinoni flow over our ears like the tides past Minister-in-Sheppey.

Let us adventure, anon! Lost be mine with me in these faire tones! Fiddler - commence fiddling! I shall not answer in the negative! Oh, my love I shall acquiece to your implorations! Violoncello! Please do not stop the music! Implorations most grave: PLEASE DON'T STOP THE MUSIC!

Mother say! Mother sah! Mother mah, ku, za!

Chris Brown Beats Women.

315. Forget the Hands

2009-08-27T09:31:00.005-04:00

He had his fathers hands...

That suit is really versatile...

Why isn't that Asian guy more freaked out...

What kind of conference room has a desktop computer screen...

Her computer monitor isn't plugged in

She doesn't have a mouse

This is why Microsoft doesn't have nice things. They photoshoped an advertisement to bring it overseas by replacing a black man's head with a younger white dude's head and FORGOT THE HANDS.

Also, Polish people don't like Black people.

Takeaways:

-- Black People... not okay

-- Black Hands... okay

-- Asian People... okay with both

A Momentary Time Out...

2009-08-26T18:35:00.007-04:00

Some of Neumunster's talent. Free Tickets to America, Girls!

I'm just taking this time to thank our readers, especially those in the fair city of Neumunster in Schleswig-Holstein, Germany. Neumunster has been visiting us fairly consitently. I wonder who it is? Could it be the former Lord Mayor, Harmut Unterlehberg? What about his successor, Dr. Olaf Taurus? (Don't blame me, I voted for Fredrich-Wilhelm Strohdiek!) Or perhaps they were tipped off by a resident in their sister city, Gravesend, UK. Maybe the avid follower of "1001 Things" is a technician employed in servicing the Ehndorf Transmitter (which stupid people always refer to, erroneously, might I add, as the Neumunster Transmitter. Duh. It's clearly in Ehndorf.). Who knows? In any case, I applaud the industrious residents of Neumunster in Schleswig-Holstein for following our little project so avidly and I hope your lives within the electrical, metal and chemical fiber industries don't tire you out too much. After all, you can always go to the civic theater and exhibition hall or perhaps go ice-boat sailing while marveling at your hydro-electric power station.

So, Neumunster - Settle down to a nice cup of coffee at Cafe Harry Maasz in the Villa Wachholtz. Relax, because you've earned it. Put on your headphones, listen to local heroes Panik and kick back.

314. Take Your 8 Year Old, Who Smells of Feces, to a Tarantino Movie and While Texting, Sit Next to Me.

2009-08-25T12:58:00.004-04:00

What we have here is family fun. With Nazis!

"Uh yeah, Stevie. Gimme, uh, the Number 2 horse, yeah, that's right: 8 Year Old Kid at a Tarantino Movie. Next the Number 7 horse, Kid Smells Like Feces. Yeah, got it? Follow that up with the Number 18 horse, Keep Texting to make it the Trifecta of Suck. And Stevie, box it. Oh, yeah, you box it by sitting next to me. Got it Stevie? Good. And I know, I know, I still owe you from the Colts game."

And I am your mother, and I shall strike you down with furious retardation!*

Seriously, lady? You brought your 8 year old son to "Inglourious Basterds"? Do you even know who Quentin Tarantino is? Did you not see the "Inglourious Basterds is rated R for language, extreme violence and Joseph Goebbels hump scenes" warning? And why does 1) your 8 year old, clearly past diaper age son, smell distinctly of human excrement and 2) do you have to comment about it to bring attention to those sitting next to you? Another question, woman who brings her child to an R-rated, extremely violent and language inappropriate film: Why were you sitting like 8 rows ahead of me, but after you get up with little junior-mc-squirtshispants, do you insist on returning, only to sit next to me, with him on your lap, instead of sitting next to the husband who no doubt is relishing his sole 2 hours away from the mind-numbing murder/homicide inclinations that you foster within his very soul?

And finally, who the hell are you texting? We all know that mothers have no friends.

*Well aware that I made no effort to get anywhere near accuracy in paraphrasing that quote.

313. Send (Or Receive) an STD E-Card.

2009-08-22T23:28:00.010-04:00

hi. i do not know if this the best way to say this, but I discovered that I have an STD. I was at a health facility, saw a doctor and I'm already dealing with it. I think that you should do the same.

Dear Brazilian Health Ministry - you are sick bastards.

Let's do the math: There are roughly 192 million people in Brazil.

There are 67M internet users (34% of the population), which fortunately leaves a solid 66% of the population (approx 125M people) that you can contract an STD from (or give to!) and do what any normal, responsible, concerned citizen would do if one were to discover that one has contracted (or given to!) an STD...

NEVER TALK TO, CALL OR SEE THAT PERSON EVER AGAIN YOU WHORE!

... "but wait [1001 things], surely the entire population of Brazil is not sexually active. What about the kids, or senior citizens... or i'm not gay, doesn't that substantially narrow my percentage risk?"

Yes. Absolutely. Great question.

Let's say, for example, you're a 30 year old male.

Your core demo for sexually active female partners is 15 years to 40 years. DUDE. IT'S BRAZIL. Are you kidding me?! Have you f-ing seen these girls?!?! Yeah?! Well don't judge then!

Fine. Your core demo is 17-38. Listen! Don't get mad! It was late, you were at a club, drinking, dancing. She looked like she was in her mid 20's AT LEAST!

Ok. So, your core demo is sexually active females aged 18-36 years - which, according to 2008 census data is approximately 24.7% of the total population, or 48M women. Crazy right?! That's what I'm sayin' SON!

Now that we have a more accurate look at your percentage risk of contr--

..."but wait [1001 things], surely all 48M women don't have an STD, right?"

You're right! Generally speaking, approximately 13% of sexually active Brazilian women have an STD - or 6.24M women. Phew! All things considered, that's not too bad!

If you further breakdown these stats based on socio-economic class, and demographics based on city, race, education, lifestyle psychographics and where and what you may have been doing on the night of June 23rd, 2009 - this really only leaves one person who would ever have the f-ing nerve to sever a long term, long distance relationship two weeks after spending a vacation together in Bali by emailing you an f-ing E-Card telling you that you might have an STD (and which might finally explain things) from some dick nosed soccer player. That's right! I said "soccer" you f#cking whore b#tch Elisabete Aprecadia who lives in Sao Paulo! Maybe now's a good time to tell you that i slept with Josephine when you were at work so maybe you should send one of these e-cards to her too! SUCK IT!

312. Say "I'll Have Just One More Shot"

2009-08-22T17:38:00.003-04:00

Oh sure. You'll just come back in twenty minutes for another ride. Admit it: You're My Bitch.

You know it. I know it. The bartender knows it. There is no way in living loving hell you are going to have just ONE more shot. You're lying to us and most importantly, you're lying to yourself. There was this famous quote by an unnamed officer (allegedly Col. George A. Taylor) upon the beaches of Normandy to rally the disorganized, demoralized and leaderless enlisted men pinned down by German fire which I shall paraphrase for the purposes of drinking, yet again undermining the efforts of our troops:

"There are two kinds of people in this bar: those who are already wasted, and those who are going to be."

A true warrior recognizes that while fear is inevitable and sometimes necessary, the general rationale to follow seemingly impossible orders stems from the reality that you are, as a soldier, already effectively dead, so get off your ass and get to fighting. So should you say "I'll have just one more shot," you are ignoring the fact that you should realize that you are in essence already drunk, so own that shit. Have the shot of Jameson. Follow it up with another - it's already over anyway, so take the 2:15am local train to hammeredville with a 3:20am layover at Jaegerbomb Junction.

This is madness. This! Is! HAPPY HOUR!

In closing, there is no such thing as "one more shot". There will be many, many more shots and it is your responsibility, nay, DUTY to deliver. Also saying "just one more shot" opens you up to the ridicule of your peers, the fellow drunkards you have surrounded yourself with.

Cue dramatic music:

"This night is called the feast of Drinkian:

He that outlives this bender, and comes safe home with that girl across the bar,

Will stand a tip-toe when the night is named,

And rouse him at the name of Drinkian.

He that shall live this night, and see the office tomorrow morning,

Will weekly on the happy hour his neighbours,

And say 'To-morrow is Saint Drinkian, again:'

Then will he strip his sleeve and show the phone number written with a sharpie.

And say 'These digits I got on Drinkin's night.'

Drunk men forget: yet all shall be forgot,

But he'll remember with advantages

What shots he did that night: then shall our names,

Familiar in his mouth (both that night and the following morning) as household words

Jameson the king, Jaegermeister and Knob Creek,

Patron and Cuervo, Powers and Red-Headed Slut,

Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd. Also perhaps the toilet.

This story shall the good man teach his son - so long as he's 18 or so;

And Drinky Drinkian shall ne'er go by,

From this night to the ending of the world,

But we in it shall be remember'd even if we can't remember it ourselves;

We few, we happy few, we band of drunkards;

For he to-night that tips his glass with me

Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so sober,

This night shall gentle his sobriety:

And gentlemen in their apartments now a-bed

Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,

And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks

That drank with us upon Saint Drinkin's night"

Eh.... Not exactly what I had in mind.

And that's how you should live your life.

311. Give Your Police Issued Assault Rifle to a Waitress

2009-08-21T12:07:00.003-04:00

Want some 5.56mm with that coffee, hun?

Courtesy of the Smoking Gun comes this utterly - you know what? - it's actually pretty awesome. If you're gonna get fired from the Midland, TX police department, this is a pretty epic way to make your exit. A couple of points though. They don't raise 'em too smart out there, do they?

Hey! That's unfair! I'm from Midland!

Furthermore, her name tag reads "Bambi". And finally - and perhaps the best aspect of the whole story: the restaurant was named "Twin Peaks" which allows me to leave you with some soothing - yet creepy - Badalamenti:

310. Wave on Your Cellphone From Behind Home Plate

2009-08-20T12:04:00.005-04:00

Not pictured: A jackass with a cellphone.

We get it. You're on TV every other pitch. You can stop now. You don't have to call Uncle Izzie in Rockaway and every other friend, relative or court ordered parole officer to tell them this all the while waving like a blithering idiot.

Dude! I'm behind home plate! Seriously! Check it!

Now I want to go back to the good ol' days, before television. Back then, if you wanted to brag to your friends in the bleachers that you were behind home plate, you had to use an Aldis lamp. Or perhaps semaphore.

CONNIE MACK EXPECTS THAT EVERY MAN WILL DO HIS DUTY

Ten dollars and thirty-seven cents for the first person to comment on what the above is in reference to.

309. Be Coldplay; Cover the Beastie Boys

2009-08-14T11:55:00.008-04:00

What the Gay?

We're all familiar with the spate of ironic lounge bands like Richard Cheese. It's clever and funny turning well known pop songs into lounge-tastic kitsch-fests. The problem residing in the above clip is that COLDPLAY IS NOT BEING IRONIC HERE. That is actually how they would have played that song if they had written it. There is no inside joke here. There once was this band that on one of their greatest hits albums put out a couple of country songs. Because it was ironic. And funny. And well presented. And that band has balls. That band: The Beastie Boys.

Now this is how you do irony.

Dear Chris Paltrow:

When the revolution comes, I will shoot you myself for crimes against humanity, taste, common sense and child naming practices tantamount to abuse. But since I'm against killing women, firstly I will sew testicles where yours used to be*, then fire.

Sincerely,

*Or did he even have any in the first place? Open to debate, I guess.

308. Have "Y" Chromosome; Wear Capri Pants

2009-08-11T11:25:00.003-04:00

Nope. Just nope.

Hey there, Fellas! Do you enjoy the cool breeze around your ankles and lower calves but just can't stand the chilly knees you get from shorts? Well, you should try CAPRI PANTS! Want to make the street fight from "West Side Story" look straight? Wear CAPRI PANTS! Really want to show off white patent leather loafers? Why sir, you're looking to get in a pair of CAPRI PANTS! Are you not a homosexual but really enjoy their culture? Get into some CAPRI PANTS!

Stay off our turf!

Please complete the following survey:

(please circle one)

1. Do you have two X chromosomes? YES / NO

2. Are you a member of Jerome Robbins' dance troupe? YES / NO

3. Are you French and/or gay? YES / NO

If you answered YES to any of these questions, then congratulations - you are entitled to wear Capri Pants.

Should you have answered NO to any of the above, yet still are wearing Capri Pants, well then come with me. I've got a "seat" for you in a "train car" that's going to a "camp". Actually, "train car" and "camp" didn't need to be in quotation marks - just "seat" - mostly because you'll be standing. So wearing Capri Pants caused two bad things to happen to you: 1. You're in the train car and 2. had you been wearing long pants you wouldn't have been there in the first place. The final irony would be: had you somehow erroneously been placed in the train car, your long pants would have protected you from the sprays of urine and other bodily functions upon your covered shins.

307. Stand Outside Hunter College and Say "Do You Have a Minute for {INSERT CAUSE HERE}?"

2009-08-06T12:02:00.011-04:00

It's always gotta be an Asian. All "get involvedy" and stuff.

Those survey/donate-to-us people sure are crafty. Dressed in their matching t-shirts, facing one another and assailing passersby, they pick the side of the street with the scaffolding, so there's no escape and you have to either ignore them, curtly say "no thanks" or issue a brusque "I'm late for work". Furthermore, the causes for which you are seeking funds/signatures are already done deals in New York City. Of course we support civil liberties and LGBT agendas. We wouldn't be in New York if we didn't. And what about caring about the environment? Well since we all take mass transit, our carbon footprints are smaller than most of the rest of America. You're pretty much preaching to the choir here, bub.

Instead of the ol' passive-aggressive "I'm not looking at you - crap I just made eye contact now have to say something" approach, I've crafted some replies to ensure that I will never be solicited again by their ilk:

"Excuse me, do you have time for PETA?"

My shoes are made from dolphin.*

No no no. Put your hips into it and work on your follow-through. That's right, rotate WITH the spikey wooden cudgel.

"Hey, do you have a minute for the ACLU?"

Don't blame me, I voted for Mugabe.

"Do you care about the environment?"

I heat my home by burning baby seals, stuffed with coal.

If you look into their eyes, you can see the BTUs.

"Take a minute for gay rights?"
A couple of years ago, I would have. But not since I got raped in prison. You guys really like that? I mean, seriously. I meant to talk to you about that. That was thoroughly unpleasant. Like, maybe if he was more tender and held me afterwards, but in general, I'd like to not repeat that experience.

Also, in the future, if I am accidentally stopped by you leeches, can you please for the love of Christ stop asking me if I just came from class? Seriously. I "graduated" college a decade ago.

*I actually used that one. I was walking with a certain lady-friend (my mom - we're a very close family. Very close.) and it just sort of flowed out, meliflu, melifu, prettily as if it had been written decades prior by some travelling bard or Glenn Miller Band cornet player. Why did I add a Glenn Miller reference? You'd be surprised how popular a search term "glenn+miller+band+baby+seal+prison+rape" is in the Google.

306. Help Yuliya

2009-08-04T12:14:00.004-04:00

You're not Azerbaijani Royalty!

As a Nigerian Prince with a sum of 250USD in an unmarked Swiss Account, and all I need is your ABA Routing number and a $1,000 deposit to give you half, I find this Russian usurper's usurping of my market share most troubling:

Hello. I write this letter because it seems to me that it is last and unique output from a situation. Yes. It is a unique output.

My name is Yuliya, I am from simple family, my life developed as at the simple person. And apparently you have simple sentence construction. When I studied in institute, I have met the love. Which "institute"? And by "met the love" do you mean you met the love of your life, became familiar with the concept of love or somehow met a supernaturally manifested personfication of love, perhaps Aphrodite or Eros? We have got married and at us was born kid. I'll forgive you for not having a grasp of English past tense constructions, however "at us was born kid?" Um. We lived at my parents in a small shabby small house. Wow. Must have been really small to mention it twice.

Made the big plans for the future, were going to buy an apartment in the mortgage, my husband Andrey not bad earned the mechanic. So you made an OK living - I'll forgive you because that's a sweet sentiment. I was very happy, with me were my favorite husband and my fine son. But what about your second favorite husband? Vasily? The one with the vodka problem and the illicit prostitution ring? You never mention him anymore.

There was a misfortune. My husband was lost in auto accident and we with Artem there were one. I'm very sorry for your loss. Did he crash a Trabant? Those things are made of like aluminum foil. I very hardly experienced loss of the spouse, at me was nervous failure, unique sense of my life there was my son Artem. I'm happy your son survived, if that indeed is what you are trying to convey. Not really sure. And it has helped me to go through all problems â€Š Life began to be adjusted, but the destiny has prepared me for new test.. I'm all ears! What's the new test... Please let it be:

My loved Artem was hardly ill. At him was developed Cancer of a brain. OF COURSE! Cancer of a brain. How did I know that was coming? Also, why did you get him tested for cancer of a brain if he was hardly ill? Seems a little paranoid to be like "Darling son Artem. Hardly ill you is. Cancer of a brain test you should have." And now urgently is required the rate of chemotherapy. It to not do without in any way if to hesitate, only it will be worse. And it is hard for me to speak about it and the more so to realize it, but the question stands about life and death â€Š I in despair and I do not know that to me now to do. One procedure chemotherapy cost 10 thousand dollars. In our case course of treatment consists of 3 procedures. Treatment total leaves will cost 30 thousand. It is very big sum for me and for my family. We search for variants to find the sum even on first procedure, but while all is vain. I have a question for you, Yuliya: Your grasp of English seems, well, interesting. But you seem very well versed in the concept of American Dollars. Now perhaps that's because in whatever Eastern Bloc/Former Soviet State you reside, the US One Hundred Dollar Bill is probably the most stable currency.

I tried to take the credit, but to me have given up, now crisis and to take the credit very difficultly, especially in my situation. Wait. You're saying there's a credit crisis? In your country? And they won't let you take out a loan? Lucky we don't have that problem here. Sure, then, since our credit market is so stable in the good ol' U S of A, then I'll glad you use my credit to secure the $30,000, since, you know, it's no problem because we're all rich here. Addressed in welfare funds and the organizations, and they cannot help me, crisis has confused all plans, financing has stopped, my result again negative. There was an attempt will address with my problem to citizens but as it frequently happens people do not want to listen and the more so to help another's problems, they are borrowed only with themselves. I have no idea what you just said. The economic situation in the country has worsened, together with it the standard of living, people became hard and there is no sense to address to them. Well, rest assured. No one's standard of living has been diminished in America and the economic situation has flourished. I just bought a brand-new Pontiac! All ways are blocked. All ways are blocked? Turn to page 37! Oh, this isn't "Choose Your Own Adventure?"

I have met old familiar Alexander, which has prompted me variant, he has told me that there is an opportunity to address abroad. Well I haven't met Alexander, and if he's so familiar, perhaps we should be introduced. In the advanced countries, even in difficult times people do not lose humanity and compassion. Well then the US ain't no advanced country. Sorry to burst your bubble. Speaking of burst bubble, how's your credit situation again? Alexander will help me with dispatch of letters, and I should write the message. That I now also do with tears on eyes. Because this variant is my last hope. Help me Obi-Wan Variant, you're our only hope. I wonder if she's talking about Old Ben Variant...? I know it can seem strange that I address to you, but please though for 1 second put myself on my place â€Š Health Artem for me above all, I would give life for him, for his happiness if only he lived. Yep. Gave a second. And now it's over. I believe that joint efforts we can correct a situation. What is this, bi-lateral arms agreement talks? Joint efforts? Are we having military exercises between Peru and Australia?

If you have opportunity to help me and my kid Artem, I ask you to make it as soon as possible, because time now against us.

Essential elements on which you can list means: I think your Google translator should have read it as "Directions on how to part with your money".

Beneficiaryâ€™s bank: URALSIB BANK OAO

SWIFT: AVTBRUMM IN FAVOUR OF URALSIB BANK OAO NIZHNIY NOVGOROD BRANCH

SWIFT: AVTBRUM1014

ADDRESS: 13 VARVARSKAYA STR., N.NOVGOROD RUSSIA

Account: 8900060689

Intermediary: BANK OF NEW YORK, NEW YORK N.Y., USA

SWIFT: IRVTUS3N Wow. I didn't know that Novgorod branch of Uralsib Bank dealt with Bank of New York. Can you tell Piotr in sales that I say hi?

Beneficiary Customer: YULIYA KHANTYA

Acc. â„– 40817840716009000294

Details of payment: PRIVATE TRANSFER FOR OPERATION

I ask to help me who can than, you see even the insignificant sum can help with a result.

You can contact me to e-mail: khantyayuliya7@googlemail.com PS our photo you can see: http://photofile.ru/users/khantya/150118770/153824484/#mainImageLink

And here's the photo of the above link:

Only Russians can make family photos look vaguely dirty.

For those of you adventurous enough to reply, here's the email address: Yuliya [lnmconsortium@cuelenaere.com]. So anyway, Yuliya, if that is your real name, I'd appreciate it if you lay off my turf. I've been cultivating Boca Raton for at least 4 years now. Nigerian Prince, Swiss Cancer Patient, Dutch. Yeah, just plain Dutch. Apparently that gets a lot of sympathy money. Don't even need a heartache story, just like "hey, I'm Dutch - can I have pity money?" Works every time.

305. Build the Second Avenue Subway

2009-07-30T20:50:00.004-04:00

I don't believe you.

Let's check out the announced completion dates for the long awaited Second Avenue Subway, or as we like to call it, the "who gives a crap" line...

-completion date-

Set in 1929, completed 1941

Set in 1931, completed 1948

Set in 1944, completed 1951

1960's - completely forgotten!

Set in 1974, completed 1992

Set early 2009, planned completion date 2015

Leaked last week (completion date 2017)

Nobody cares that much about the upper east side

Yeah? Nobody told you to move there.

304. Be Polyamorous

2009-07-29T18:23:00.004-04:00

Quick - at a glance - Corporate Org Chart or Polyamorous Hook-Up Piece?

Let's just say, this ain't gonna work out well. Newsweek recently ran a piece about polyamorous family units, so frankly complex you need a spider chart to plot who's banging who at what time. And get this - despite the intra-unit incestuousness, they all get to have a casual date/girlfriend/boyfriend outside the circle.

Sounds great, right?

Not really. How many people have dated someone and known full well that they were fooling around with someone else? You try your best to be "ah, I'll just treasure the time I get with them and this will be OK... outta sight, outta mind." Yeah, I'll take "that doesn't work for too long" for two-thousand, Alex.

What's that?

Daily Double!

I am the furthest thing from a prude but know full well when I'm after someone and they're involved with both me and someone else, the green-eyed monster rears it's ugly head not long after the purple headed dragon has reared his. Furthermore, when being pursued by someone, I alert them to my status of seeing someone else and they attempt the same laissez-faire attitude. Eventually, one of the casual attitudes transforms into the desire for monogamy and just like that, the tenuous links of the chain are broken and everyone becomes miserable, except perhaps the person at the top of the chain who did not acquire any real feelings for any of the other adjoining links.

Messy metaphor, but I think it's effective. In short, Mr. and Mrs. and Ms. and Mr. and Mr. and Mrs. and Ms. Polyamory - You're ruining it for all of us.

So Polyamory is:

1. Ruining it for Married Couples: Mr. and Mrs. Security, Ltd. are having a great time married together, then Mrs. Security sees the above Newsweek article and casually mentions it to the Mister. If he's not on board, you're screwed because running through his heads will be thoughts of inadequacy, insecurity, jealousy and suspicion that if the Missus has suggested this from the onset, she might already be doing it.

2. Ruining it for the Casual Dater: Girl A and Boy B are also seeing Boy C and Girl D, respectively. All of a sudden, Boy B decides to ask Girl A and Girl D to become serious, together, as in all together. Girl A doesn't want to be serious and the other one finds out how much Boy B cares for Girl D and both dump him leaving Boy C to bang both of them at their most insecure.

3. Ruining it for Serious Daters: See Example #1.

4. Ruining it for Random Hookups: Now if you've read the Newsweek article, the next morning you're going to wake up and wonder if you're being lured into a polyamorous trap. But still, you're intrigued so you go at it again at around 11am. Then you kick them out and have a Frappuccino.

Mmmmm.... Sorta adulterous!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to Nikki Beach tonight to mack on Megan Fox AND David Silver. Let's see how this turns out.

303. Utilize the "Shake Weight"

2009-07-28T15:46:00.009-04:00

Shake It Off Ladies
Uploaded by baierman17. - Basketball, baseball, pro wrestling and more sports videos.

Trust me, Ladies. This is a waste of time.

Michelle Obama's jacked guns have gotten all the ladies in a tussle. Jumping on this trend of ripped Madonna-esque biceps, the makers of the "Shake Weight", without any comprehension of what the manipulation of this "get fit quick" device looks like, went ahead with the production of the standard buy-one-get-one-free-but-wait-there's-more infomercial - with a distinct twist of either wanton ignorance or purposefully tongue-in-cheek perversion.

What I'm seeing instead is - what I see here is.... well you could guess what I'm seeing. "Say there's one next to you - no problem! Another one above your head? You can do it! Two, at the same time, pointing at opposite sides of your breasts? Well why do you think we invented the 'Shake Weight' in the first place? Got a hefty one behind your head? We'll get that done lickety-split."

The only ultimate reason I can see anything wrong with this, besides the obviously drawn allusions to manual stimulation is that no amount of training will ever make any woman adept at this. Men are born with the equipment and have the proper arm angle and wrist articulation innate with our own bodies. However much you desire to excel at performing this form of pleasing your boyfriend/husband/guy at Tiki Bob's in Downtown Indianapolis, just know that we can do it better. We've been at it for longer.

"You also get this DVD that can show you the amazing things you can accomplish with the Shake Weight".

I'll take the DVD, please.

Thanks to CathyCakes for bringing this to our attention.

302. Stage a Nude Video; Feign Outrage

2009-07-23T10:45:00.007-04:00

Who? Poor lil' me?

We've already mentioned this person in question - her name rhymes with "Schmerin Schmandrews" - and I have viewed the video in question. Several points come to mind on the viability of this being a staged publicity coup a la Paris Hilton, however minus the sluttiness and plus a "victimized" sympathy:

1. Several female acquaintances have agreed that while oft times the prepping and beautifying ritual is performed naked, it is almost always performed in the bathroom. Says one informed woman, "I would never have my hair iron just plugged in in the middle of a bedroom or hotel room."

2. Ms. Andrews is constantly turning whilst styling her hair, almost as if offering angles should someone have been surreptitiously video taping. There's back view, front view, three quarter view, bending over view. I've seen porn directors who have been less demanding at obtaining all sides of a naked body.

3. What the hell is the deal with the stretching? Why? It makes no sense. For those of you who haven't viewed, there is a bizarre sequence of stretches and lunges - whilst wielding a scorchingly hot curling iron.

4. One theory points to the fact that the peephole was reversed in a hotel room, but that would necessitate the videographer to maintain his presence either in a hallway or another uncomfortable place - between a wall or in a bureau, perhaps - for nearly 5 minutes, with a camera, filming, through a door. Unlikely.

5. Upon viewing, I think instead of a peephole, it's just an actual hole - be it in a wall, door, closet, etc. Now I'm no Thomas Alva Einstein, but if this truly is just an actual hole, then what kind of camcorder was this fellow using? If it isn't an antique VHS camcorder - which would make digital transfer a horrible pain so I'm basically ignoring that possibility - then it most likely is a readily available, modern consumer camcorder. This renders it most likely to record upon MiniDV tapes - easily accessible, inexpensive, immediately able to be digitally transferred via Firewire, etc. MiniDV has a native resolution of 720 x 480 and this grainy and ambiguous footage is well below that threshold. So that begs the question "was this reel digitally altered to decrease the quality to maximize titillation yet minimize Erin Andrews' body's exposure?"

6. Another theory on low resolution could be that it was filmed utilizing the video function of one's mobile device. I find that unlikely as most cellphones, unless upgraded with additional flash memory, lack the capacity to record for five minutes straight. Furthermore, a camera phone with that capability built in would more than likely have a better sensor, thus yielding a higher quality video.

7. Comments abound amongst the denizens of the interwebs akin to "never heard of her before this morning" or "never saw her on TV before." Reap the goldmine, Erin Andrews. Exposure and name recognition accomplished.

In closing, the above enumerated arguments lead me to ascertain that this is an effort to increase Erin Andrews' exposure to the national public. I predict that no charges will be pressed, no assailant will be apprehended and this will slowly - but not too slowly - go away. Erin Andrews will move on from ESPN after an appropriate amount of time - I say eight months - and launch a new career, be it talk show host, actress, serious news broadcaster, etc.

It's a fake. Not fake in that she's not naked, but fake in that she is a willing partner in a brilliantly executed viral ad campaign to build the brand of Erin Andrews.

Fear her.

301. Get Married... To Yourself.

2009-07-22T10:09:00.003-04:00

Do you Kelly Hildebrandt, take Kelly Hildebrandt, to be your lawfully wedded wife, wait... husband... errr... wife... uhhh...

They're both named Kelly Hildebrandt (Kelly Katrina H & Kelly Carl H)

They met on Facebook because they have the same name

How can this possssibly go wrong.

The call is coming from INSIDE the house - ahhhhhh!

But she's cute, so we'll let it slide

300. Have This Vanity Plate, Part II

2009-07-21T15:48:00.008-04:00

I didn't know John and Yoko drove a hatchback.

Ah. Thanks for clearing that up. Your vanity plate - reading STOP WAR - was viewed by several world leaders while parked upon Park Avenue and they all agreed, thanks to your message, to cease eons of human behavioral tendencies and avow to rid this world of the concept, execution and maintenance of war and warfare related industries. At least you're not as preachy as the I SAVE GAS schmuck.

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin said " Brilliant! Why didn't I think of that earlier?"

US President Barack Obama said "Thanks to your 1997 Honda Civic DX, I have completely dismantled the multi-trillion dollar military-industrial complex and dissolved Raytheon, Lockheed-Martin, Boeing, General Electric, General Dynamics, Northrop-Grumman, L-3 Communications and the McDonald's Corporation".

UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon commented "I love your license plate. We've been trying to get them on our white UN Land Rovers for a while now but the stupid bureaucatic dumb-asses at the Burkina Faso DMV just won't grant us the vanity plate."

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown added "In accordance with the forceful and thoughtful message as conveyed by your New York State license plate, I have encouraged Britons worldwide to forego the usage or purchase of any modern convenience accrued through the innovations spurred by this evil and naughty warfare trend including antibiotics, canned food, the microwave oven, satellite communications, jet-based air travel, concentrated orange juice, the necktie, GPS, Nylon, Silly Putty, the aerosol can, the computer or anything made out of plastic."

Just imagine - a world without war!

So yeah, Stop War vanity plate person, you've got a really well thought out argument that will have no ramifications ever and in no way hinder technological innovation, like say the fact that you're driving a car with microprocessors in it which you know, didn't come from the Cold War electronics race in any way, shape or form.

My favorite kind of racism.

And finally - why would you want to end racism? Racism's freaking awesome. All the fast cars going left and bright colors and loud noises. That and all the drivers are white.

299. Wear Those Bras with the Translucent Straps

2009-07-21T12:31:00.003-04:00

Hey, I couldn't tell that you're wearing a bra!

I really don't get it. We all still can see that you are indeed wearing a bra and there are so many other breast-suspending technologies in existence. There's that asymmetrical bra, that tube toppy type one, the push up one without shoulder straps. I know all of these have names but I'm not familiar with the nomenclature, just the technique to remove them with one hand.

That's truly a skill every man should have. Because that awkward fumbling and "Uh, does it come off left or right or crap is it one of those un-hook in the front ones and why's this chick not even wearing a bra oh that's just a fat guy Jesus how much did I drink last night" moments sort of mitigate the romance (read: gettin' it on).

And now, Marissa Miller:

298. Deny the Genius of the SNES

2009-07-17T15:31:00.008-04:00

I googled "Super Mario World" and ended up with this as the third image. The Japanese are WAAAY fucked up. What's even worse though - those white guys who really REALLY dig Japanese culture. They freak me out. Oh - looks like someone just came up with a post idea!

The Super Nintendo Entertainment System or SNES for short, was released in September 1991 and basically kicked ass. There were some people who favored Sega Genesis - mostly because it was more violent (EA Sports NHL Hockey with blood, Altered Beast, Mortal Combat) - but ultimately, the SNES turned out to be a superior machine.

I am posting this with the utmost restraint to refrain from a "Swingers" quote.

Remember first seeing Star Fox and doing that double tap of R1 to barrel roll? How freaking sick was that? Or what about the Star Wars trilogy of games when you got the force and could have Luke just toss his lightsaber and twirl it around in mid-air, slaying the enemy hordes? Why didn't he do that in the movies? There was that one time the Darth Vader sort of insinuated it but it came off like he just chucked the damn thing at the railing. But yeah, anyway, those SNES Star Wars games were completely Ill, in the Beastie Boys' sense of the term. And did any of you have that light gun that was a modular bazooka if you wanted it to be? The games that it came with sucked but the Terminator 2 shoot-em-up was awesome. Wait - maybe that bazooka thing was actually for Genesis. I can't remember and I refuse to look it up so I'm gonna say it's for SNES.

I guess by virtue of searching for an image, I did look it up. And I was right!

But what really set the SNES apart from TurboGrafx-16 and Genesis were the actual efforts Nintendo made towards legitimate software. And the greatest achievement of this initiative was Mario Paint. Mario paint was so radical - in the atom, molecule or ion with unpaired electrons on and otherwise open shell configuration sense - that you could render some complex images. But mostly, you could write music. And you ended up with this:

So that pretty much settles any debate. Since Genesis couldn't write music and TurboGrafx only had one game - Bonk's Revenge - that leaves SNES at the pinnacle of early '90s home video game console engineering. And if you still remain unconvinced, marvel at the, ahem, marvel that is Mario Paint Composer "Thriller". RIP MJ, you kiddie fiddler.

297. Go to a Dave Matthews Concert

2009-07-16T12:43:00.004-04:00

Honestly - I only had THIS MUCH to drink.

MADISON, Wis. (AP)

"Heeee wakes up in the morning..."

Wisconsin State Trooper knocks on the window of Illinois teen Travis Peterson, 19.

Trooper: "Hey kid, wake up, get outta here. The concert is over. Dave Matthews sucks."

Travis: "Hi ossifer. I'm as think as you drunk i am, so i'm NOT drinking and driving, i'm trying to sleep it off in my car."

Trooper: "Sir, I am ordering you to vacate these premiseses immediately, the parking lot is being cleared."

Travis: "But officer, i'm trying to--"

Trooper: "Sir, exit this perimeter immediately."

**Travis gets back in his car and drives out of the parking lot.

*LIGHTS *SIREN

Trooper: "Son, step out of the car, please... I'm arresting you for drunk driving."

Travis: "DICK!"

Travis' Parents: "DICK!"

Travis' Lawyer: "DICK!"

Internet: "DICK!"

Appeals Court: "DICK!"

296. Buy Cigarettes in NH

2009-07-16T12:33:00.002-04:00

Hmmm... plus tax that comes to... that'll be the GDP of the entire world.

Associated Press.

MANCHESTER, N.H. (AP) -- A New Hampshire man says he swiped his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes and was charged over 23 quadrillion dollars.

Josh Muszynski (Moo-SIN'-ski) checked his account online a few hours later and saw the 17-digit number - a stunning $23,148,855,308,184,500 (twenty-three quadrillion, one hundred forty-eight trillion, eight hundred fifty-five billion, three hundred eight million, one hundred eighty-four thousand, five hundred dollars).

Muszynski says he spent two hours on the phone with Bank of America trying to sort out the string of numbers and the $15 overdraft fee.

The bank corrected the error the next day.

295. Be Magnanimous

2009-07-16T11:07:00.004-04:00

I spent 25 minutes looking for an image that could possibly match with the word "magnanimous" and this is all I got.

I've got a couple of problems with being magnanimous. If someone else describes you as magnanimous or as having acting with magnanimity then perhaps you truly are a noble and worthy soul and your action(s) have elevated humanity through your humble and selfless act. No problems here. You have risen above the petty squabbling, weathered the storm and maintained a dignified demeanor throughout. Kudos.

My problem arises when someone else describes themselves as magnanimous. It sends up an immediate red flag - or for the Facebook Generation a "ZOMG" followed by alternating exclamation points and Arabic numeral ones - that you probably are a douchebag 99.44% (sorry Ivory) of the time and just this once did you not through a hissy fit. People who speak of their own behavior as magnanimous are by virture of mentioning it not magnanimous. It's like the boss who treats all employees like a third world servant but then at the end of the year buys everyone bottles of liquor and shrugs it off like "no problem, I hope you enjoy it. I value our working relationship."

To me, magnanimity is a complete charade. You're either a type A personality who freaks out if a single book is no longer perfectly perpendicular to the shelf and therefore completely unable to be magnanimous - unless of course it's a false show of laissez-faire attitude that deep inside is eating away at your soul and you really wanted to yell at that fucking guy who cut you off on the Throgs Neck - or - you're a type B personality who lets everything flow anyway, so magnanimity in its special connotations would not apply to you - because you're like that every god damned day.

I guess the final thought is the existence of the word magnanimous connotes an event or behavior pattern so special that it needs its own word - for those off occasions when a total fucking prick doesn't act like one for about 30 seconds before reverting directly back to prickery.