355. See "The Blind Side"

Based on a saccharine true story.

Like most Americans, I went to the cinema over the holiday weekend. I don't need to tell you what I saw and since this is "Things Not to Do" I'll instead tell you what not to see.

"The Blind Side".

I haven't seen it but I know 100% that it goes something like this:

Establishing shots of upper middle class white woman (Sandra Bullock) driving around, ordering espresso, dropping her son off at a predominantly white school, arguing with another white lawyer about something trivial that she has placed an inordinate amount of importance upon but will later be revealed to be trivial, generally doing white upper middle class woman things, etc. Establishing shots of big black kid getting beat up, sleeping under a bridge, dodging the drug dealers in an alley, generally doing impoverished black things, etc.

White woman and big black kid (WM and BBK, henceforth) somehow have a run-in. Maybe she accidentally hits him - but not seriously - with her Range Rover or maybe it's a case of mistaken identity since BBK is homeless/abused/unwanted/black. Maybe WM calls the cops on BBK as a suspected robber/drug dealer/black person and upon questioning by the police it is revealed to WM that BBK is homeless/abused/unwanted/black. Taking pity, she says BBK can stay for "just one night". He says something poignant and depressing that WM tries to comfort him about but he reveals that the truth of the matter is far, far worse. WM has an argument with her straight-laced also white husband who says "I don't know if this is a good idea, WM". She remains adamant because she's never taken a stand on anything in her life before but will take a stand on this for some reason. The next morning, WM pulls strings to have BBK attend school with her anemic snowflake of a son. Turns out that snowflake is bullied upon in school for being too short/nerdy/smart/rich. At some point in time, BBK saves snowflake from bullies.

Meanwhile, the social mill of WM's upper middle class world churns away, spreading rumors and disapproving looks from WM's equally white upper middle class peers. One close - but clearly inherently racist - friend/colleague/relative of WM makes a racist statement and WM first shuns them then is in return shunned herself as a pariah and she enters a shame spiral. At this point, BBK is also on the downfall, perhaps failing at school despite his natural proclivity towards being B, B and a K and thus better at football than all of snowflake's classmates.

Are you sure you know what you're doing, honey?

Eventually there's a big game. Someone wins or loses depending on what sort of morality play they want to convey. If it's a loss then it's " BBK, you gave it your best and became a real person and taught me, WM, a valuable lesson about life and love and tolerance". If it's a win then it's "BBK, you overcame adversity and taught me, WM, a valuable lesson about life and love and tolerance." Despite the loss or because of the win, BBK is signed to something incredible related to football by someone who's been watching from afar. Celebrations ensue and the wacky bi-racial pseudo family unit finally bonds in complete unity. Freeze frame. Fade to black. Text now scrolls saying that WM started a non-profit foundation for inner city youths. Next text says that BBK played unsuccessfully for like 2 seasons with a second rate NFL team like the Lions or something. Then text does not roll that says something along the lines of "you know what? That was sorta a crock of shit because ultimately the redemptive aspects of this story focused on Sandra Bullock's character and used the black kid as a foil for a transformative experience for yet another closed minded white person. Seriously, didn't she play the same character in Crash? And by the way, that movie REALLY sucked. I mean, I get it. People are inherently racist. News fucking flash."

BBK! You've opened my eyes to injustice! See, the sunglasses are a metaphor. A METAPHOR!

I don't know. Maybe at this point someone triumphs over/dies of cancer.